What in the hell is going on here?!

Exactly, what in the hell IS going on?

As in former blog's of great historical insanity the spews from my gray matter, I am once again, increasingly slipping into the manic depressive coma. I have worked so hard to avoid this mania, however, my neurotransmitters, synapse, adrenal, endochrine, hormonally challeged brains sees different. I hate when my blogs sound like such downers. That said, it is my life. I have an intense love/hate relationship with. Fact for fact. If the earth exploded today, I wouldn't mind a bit. There are too many that need to leave the planet and are increasing by the moment.

God knows I do my best on a daily, sometimes I fail, sometimes I'm awesome spiritual lady. In they last few year's I have what feels like having become closer to God and yet feel more abandoned by the people in my life. Sure I have friends. But what do they consist of? Life is life? Life is busy and its ok to ignore someone who loves you greatly. As I say the same for myself and my relationship to God.

I kept a handwritten journal for a few weeks. It just didn't seem to workout. it scared the shit out of me as i was going through some serious "spiritual" experiences with my sensitivity to the supernatural. i hate that word. its so, so, lame. regardless, it was hellish.

short lil bio of neighbor, chris.
our new neighbor chris and his twin phillip are what they like to call "seekers of paranormal events." they don't believe in christ, alla, a lil bit o buddha but claim to be more on the native am side of religion. anyway, he has a huge energy. we had a situation at my home and we invited him in....MISTAKE. i have noticed he avoided me like a disease. only speaking with john. and i figured out why. i freaked him out.

OOOKKAAAY. Yepper, prehaps this is grandios thinking, but he is deeply involved with the spirit world and I am forced, by nature involved. I repeat, forced. Its one of those wonderfully innate, inherent, thank you Granny for being a mexican witch doctor and doing all that weird stuff on me. Although, really interesting stuff.

K, so. an anomaly shows up in my window for a few weeks. He comes over to see it, BAM! Let the games begin. Through research and practice he has become pretty hip to the realm of whatever you wanna call it. me, i know nada. I do know, we must show respect to the dead and other things that amy come to follow, even if its evil. if you mock it, it will definitely manifest itself around and within.

that said, he comes in, checks it out, trips out and could hardly look me in the eyes. its been like this for about 2 yrs. turns out a couple of weeks later, he took a deep breath and told john, "wow, you're wife is really intuitive and intelligent in the spiritual regard." I was shocked he even thought of it. as of then, nightmares came. haunting me in my dreams. demons that attempt to violate my mind body and spirit. call me crazy. i know i'm nuts. and thats the best part.

some nights i'd wake with someone standing over me and telling me they were going to take me with them. some would march around my bed and call my name. some, always in a grayish beige would pull me by my feet to an area that has been specified as a bad place in my dreams and in life. i am feeling and sensing many evil energies.

how do i know theyre evil? cause they scare the hell out of me and i'm not an easily spooked person. i've had interaction with many who need to speak. but never feared, this time, fear was incredibly difficult to deal with. i think i need some pie. is it legal to eat pie before noon?

on a go forward, i have had far too many dreams, meds for an illness that increased this and bottomed out due to this situation. thus, my reason for blogging my little heart out today.

i have been feeling kind of off, if you will. off in my spirit and being. rejection, loss, abandonement and lonelier than ever. i have my family, i have my projects and hobbies, but something is just amiss. apparently, i am in what they call a state of manic depression. i have no idea how that comes to be, i just know the tears want to come constantly.

ive aired my human error with my relationship. i have spoken about suicide, etc. and each and every fucking time this comes along its getting worse, not better.

i had mellowed on my new dosage of meds about last summer. i was fine, i was actually happy and living and traveling and just awesome living. suddenly, i hit a wall. fucked up wall. its not a wall of bricks or mud. it feels like the end of my mental health wall. like my brain is tired of working and speaking. its tired of being tired and achy. crying, being and getting sick, symptomatically sick in fact. and come to find out, my anger is out of control as well. not in a horrible case scenario, but in a tammy doesn't like to be nice kind of way. with the exception of my nephew of course. adults suck. and i am one. hmp

i'm sure there will be more bullshit to write. i hate being so negative! i might go into some details about my dreams, voices, and experiences. its a lifetime of occurances. it is exhausting my friends. life draining. of course, my therapist and psychiatrist feel i need chemicals to quell them. ugh