There was once this little girl. She was a cute kid. Long blackest black hair, very petite, very shy and cute little knock kneed legs, enough to make up for the kid next door. This little girl is me. Myself, little and young. I had goals of course. Goals that did change throughout my daydreaming life. Daydreaming, what a wonderful thing. Wondering what it was like to kiss Keith Partridge, kick Danny Partridge's but, and to be whatever his sister's name is. Bliss, I'm sure.
What does this have to do with what I'm about to say? Everything. Everything that has lead up to this point in my life. My life of dysfunction, function and total confusion. My life that has become more spiritual and hopefully growing slowly towards enlightenment. Meaning, I pray God I don't lose my temper with my Mom.
Seems as though a lot of angst is deeply rooted starting with my Mom. She's a great person. Everybody loves her, I love her, my nephew loves her and naturally my siblings do as well. The thing is, I love her but feel limitations coming on. I no longer feel as though I can speak honestly and generously with her. I seem to be shut down once the conversation starts to grow into some that is really worth while. Something that actually means more than what's going on with Farmville on Facebook. Seriously.
Upon seeing a news story about, let's say, healthcare reform as an example. It is very obvious that I am a pro reform kind of gal. Sooo, I like to discuss it with my family. My Mom in particular due to her being a retired person and depending on the healthcare system, as most seniors do these days. It just doesn't happen. For the life of me, it doesnt happen. Nothing of any intellectual value is spoken of. UNLESS, its about getting bonus experience on FBs FV.
A day in the life of visiting my Mom is good, happy and then the crash course comes. I sit in my happy little chair with my cozy pillow and blanket. We're just hanging out talking and giggling like little girls. Suddenly she comes out of nowhere asking about my next little trip I'm taking next week. What I thought was a friendly question became a not so nice reaction. "Well, maybe you'll stay home for at least a month before going away again. hmm?" Dontcha know, that made me feel like shit. I thanked her for that tad of negativity and the day is blown, UNTIL she brings up what I am reading for enlightenment. I feel like I'm 16 complaining on here. Again with the cranky Momma, "Why don't you pick up a Christian book for once!" OH BOY. I began to explain. "Well! I don't care to discuss it right now!" I'm shocked. She brought this shit up.
Naturally, I leave with a frown and quickly. I'm feeling all of 12 and ultimately critisized and judged by my own Mother. How and why did that happen? Really? What the hell? Is this my life with her for the rest of mine or her days? Its not like I haven't got through hell and back too. While holding her hand mind you. Is this what I have to look forward to every time I take a jaunt to one of my fav places? Perhaps. If anyone has any quick fix advice, please do share. I feel as though I am about to lose my mind. Maybe I already have.
So from here on out, I must practice my mindful breathing around her. I need to use my skills on how to maintain and not project my anger and release it in a healthy way. I MUST come to accept that she is becoming an old fart. And that I am very much my Mother's daughter.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Friday, April 16, 2010
The last couple have weeks have been trying. Although, I don't think it can be any more trying than being an adult child to an adult who is childish of sorts. Its not that she's a bad person or mean, she's just my Mom.
Mom's are often known as Mom's. You know, supportive, excited for new adventures in your life. Happy to see you and right when you get to that happy go lucky Momma, this transformation happens. A transformation unknown to anyone but you and you only.
Mom's are often known as Mom's. You know, supportive, excited for new adventures in your life. Happy to see you and right when you get to that happy go lucky Momma, this transformation happens. A transformation unknown to anyone but you and you only.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
"Hey, hey. My. mmyyy. Rock n' roll with never daaahaaa." Don't ask me to explain, I have no idea what THAT song is stuck in my head. And the other is a wonderful song from India.Arie. Psalm23. Now that one's a keeper.
I woke up tonight, after an extended nap, thinking of that song. And thank God I did. I was dreaming about a demon right next to me in our big maroon chair. I'm positive it was symbolic of the fear I have of my test results tomorrow morning. And I'm sure "it" would be so excited to see my misery come to fruition. Should there be any. This thing was sitting in the corner mocking me, once again. These things, beings usually do. And they come in my time of need or during a time of my greatest fears. Funny thing is, it frightens me a bit, however, never takes over my soul.
This thing was sitting on the ground and would kind of slither around the edge of my bed. It wasn't a snake human figure or animal. It was just an ugly thing with a horrible voice. Something Ive never heard. Naturally, during my sleep, I was screaming and rebuking it. It would laugh at me. I was screaming so loud my voice would become distorted. Creepy. But finally, it was gone and I woke up having less fear. So I will safely assume it was the fear leaving me alone.
I woke up tonight, after an extended nap, thinking of that song. And thank God I did. I was dreaming about a demon right next to me in our big maroon chair. I'm positive it was symbolic of the fear I have of my test results tomorrow morning. And I'm sure "it" would be so excited to see my misery come to fruition. Should there be any. This thing was sitting in the corner mocking me, once again. These things, beings usually do. And they come in my time of need or during a time of my greatest fears. Funny thing is, it frightens me a bit, however, never takes over my soul.
This thing was sitting on the ground and would kind of slither around the edge of my bed. It wasn't a snake human figure or animal. It was just an ugly thing with a horrible voice. Something Ive never heard. Naturally, during my sleep, I was screaming and rebuking it. It would laugh at me. I was screaming so loud my voice would become distorted. Creepy. But finally, it was gone and I woke up having less fear. So I will safely assume it was the fear leaving me alone.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
The waiting game...
Today is the day after my wonderfully invaded breast had a snippet of metal inserted whilst removing some of the tissue that is making my mind fly all over the place. This little piece of metal is about as big as a large flea. EW! Needless to say, I will forever wonder if I can feel it in there. Or will it work its way out? Considering its metal and not of my body. Oh! They insert this little dealy dally in order to find the spot in which the mass lives in the breast for future exams. Fun
The day was eventful and I was full of teary eyed, denial humor, fear and honest to goodness shit rage. Luckily, I didn't crap my pants. I took care of that happening once I woke up. I took my meds and more meds to prevent such issues. I took .75mg of Xanax, which usually doesn't do much to the average adult, however, I am a 4'9" adult. Lemme tell you, I was mellow, however, freaked out.
I had prayed and prayed for God to take the fear from me every chance I had. I worked, struggled and battled with letting the fear go and trusting in God for all that I am. It was a hard one. A really hard one. My brain is set up to freak me out. I was given the gift, as I said before to be much feeling, much emotional and pretty much afraid of everything that can invade my body. I'm sure you understand. So I shut it down until they called me in. Then, my nervous humor hit. Thank GOD for my humor. Or his humor rather.
As I am being prepped to go into my little out-patient surgical room, I had my final mammo and walked half naked to the room with the table. Or should I say bed. I'm thinking of how it was explained to me and it matched my imagination perfectly. Sterile room, cold, smells sterile, chairs and machines all over, but no evidence of a machine that will suck this stuff out like a vacuum. I'm nervous and I am shaking like a leaf. The humor left me and I was overcome with confusion and fear. a tad.
I laid my short body on this gurney with a hole in the center of it. I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to climb up this damn tiny stair stool and get my boob in the hole. It was quite comical really. I commented about the punching bag thing and we laughed. The nurses were so nice! I lay on my belly and PLOP goes the boobie. Fire in the holE!!! I am comfy and cozy, xanax has me chilled out, but still fear is running through my body. Then bam! I calm.
The calmness that overcame me was so unusual for myself. So unusual, I thought something was wrong. As if they may have given me something in the numbing product. There was some pain, but the nice doctor injected more and I didn't feel a thing. I was on the most comfy bed of my life at that moment. Not because of the lack of feeling, but because the feeling of being comforted. This comfort was unbelievable in retrospect. it was only a couple of days ago. Or 1 day, thats right 1 day. The nurse rubbed my shoulder and helped me sit still. She had warm sweet hands and spoke softly to me as if a child. I was asked if i was ok a lot. I was unbelievably ok. I was really ok and felt like a warm blanket was over my body.
What felt like a warm blanket of great comfort, like when you would sleep with your Mommy and feel so toasty and warm, was God. I know it was God. I struggled with giving it all and trusting 100% with my being and soul. I know he was in control, he supplied my need for comfort. I am ultimately thankful. God answered my prayer. He wrapped his arms around me, embraced my fear and lifted it from my body. I don't know how else to explain it. I have NEVER been given that kind of comfort when I'm physically in pain. Never.
So to this moment in my life that I shall remember forever. I THANK GOD for having the answer to my prayer and granting me my sanity and helping me through my horrid fear. I am now trusting God with my result consultation on next Tuesday. This is even more difficult than the biopsy. I am giving him my fear, but can't seem to get a grip.
I know it will all be over soon and whatever the outcome is, it is. I cannot control what happens or when it happens. I can only trust that God is in control and knows what is best for me. Sickness or health.
The day was eventful and I was full of teary eyed, denial humor, fear and honest to goodness shit rage. Luckily, I didn't crap my pants. I took care of that happening once I woke up. I took my meds and more meds to prevent such issues. I took .75mg of Xanax, which usually doesn't do much to the average adult, however, I am a 4'9" adult. Lemme tell you, I was mellow, however, freaked out.
I had prayed and prayed for God to take the fear from me every chance I had. I worked, struggled and battled with letting the fear go and trusting in God for all that I am. It was a hard one. A really hard one. My brain is set up to freak me out. I was given the gift, as I said before to be much feeling, much emotional and pretty much afraid of everything that can invade my body. I'm sure you understand. So I shut it down until they called me in. Then, my nervous humor hit. Thank GOD for my humor. Or his humor rather.
As I am being prepped to go into my little out-patient surgical room, I had my final mammo and walked half naked to the room with the table. Or should I say bed. I'm thinking of how it was explained to me and it matched my imagination perfectly. Sterile room, cold, smells sterile, chairs and machines all over, but no evidence of a machine that will suck this stuff out like a vacuum. I'm nervous and I am shaking like a leaf. The humor left me and I was overcome with confusion and fear. a tad.
I laid my short body on this gurney with a hole in the center of it. I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to climb up this damn tiny stair stool and get my boob in the hole. It was quite comical really. I commented about the punching bag thing and we laughed. The nurses were so nice! I lay on my belly and PLOP goes the boobie. Fire in the holE!!! I am comfy and cozy, xanax has me chilled out, but still fear is running through my body. Then bam! I calm.
The calmness that overcame me was so unusual for myself. So unusual, I thought something was wrong. As if they may have given me something in the numbing product. There was some pain, but the nice doctor injected more and I didn't feel a thing. I was on the most comfy bed of my life at that moment. Not because of the lack of feeling, but because the feeling of being comforted. This comfort was unbelievable in retrospect. it was only a couple of days ago. Or 1 day, thats right 1 day. The nurse rubbed my shoulder and helped me sit still. She had warm sweet hands and spoke softly to me as if a child. I was asked if i was ok a lot. I was unbelievably ok. I was really ok and felt like a warm blanket was over my body.
What felt like a warm blanket of great comfort, like when you would sleep with your Mommy and feel so toasty and warm, was God. I know it was God. I struggled with giving it all and trusting 100% with my being and soul. I know he was in control, he supplied my need for comfort. I am ultimately thankful. God answered my prayer. He wrapped his arms around me, embraced my fear and lifted it from my body. I don't know how else to explain it. I have NEVER been given that kind of comfort when I'm physically in pain. Never.
So to this moment in my life that I shall remember forever. I THANK GOD for having the answer to my prayer and granting me my sanity and helping me through my horrid fear. I am now trusting God with my result consultation on next Tuesday. This is even more difficult than the biopsy. I am giving him my fear, but can't seem to get a grip.
I know it will all be over soon and whatever the outcome is, it is. I cannot control what happens or when it happens. I can only trust that God is in control and knows what is best for me. Sickness or health.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
i thought i was scared last night but this morning, i feel like i'm going to be handed a death sentence. i know, i know, its just a biopsy. but c'mon. its something that doesnt belong in my body. regardless.
i am so struggling with putting all of my trust in god and giving it all to him. i just wish that voice in my head would go away. you know the one that says, "you're going to find out you have cancer, hahahaa!" When in fact, I know this is purely procedural. 100% safety and prevention. i know that. i do. i wonder if i pray like the cowardly lion only different words, "i do believe i'm fine, i do believe i'm fine." lol.
i am trying to put my sense of humor into this also. for some reason, its hiding way deep inside of me. i have never, ever, had anything inside of my body. nothing. i've had "female" issues, but who's not used to that? at some point in our lives we have something going on, even if its just a pap smear. its just something we do as prevention. but to have needles or the thought of needles in my breast scares THE LIVING SHIT out of me.
so thank god for psychiatrists and medications that make you feel like you pretty much don't care that i will have at least two dr's holding on to my boob. just one detail that i find funny is that my boob will become a punching bag, hanging through a hole in a table and hang there for about 45 mins. lol. i will also be raised on a table like a good ol 66 classic mustang.
off i go. appt is at 915 in panorama city so i gotta hit the road, potty issues and all. oy vey
and i have nervous gas. ha!
i have to remember god got me through my most suicidal, lonely and desperate times of my life.
i am so struggling with putting all of my trust in god and giving it all to him. i just wish that voice in my head would go away. you know the one that says, "you're going to find out you have cancer, hahahaa!" When in fact, I know this is purely procedural. 100% safety and prevention. i know that. i do. i wonder if i pray like the cowardly lion only different words, "i do believe i'm fine, i do believe i'm fine." lol.
i am trying to put my sense of humor into this also. for some reason, its hiding way deep inside of me. i have never, ever, had anything inside of my body. nothing. i've had "female" issues, but who's not used to that? at some point in our lives we have something going on, even if its just a pap smear. its just something we do as prevention. but to have needles or the thought of needles in my breast scares THE LIVING SHIT out of me.
so thank god for psychiatrists and medications that make you feel like you pretty much don't care that i will have at least two dr's holding on to my boob. just one detail that i find funny is that my boob will become a punching bag, hanging through a hole in a table and hang there for about 45 mins. lol. i will also be raised on a table like a good ol 66 classic mustang.
off i go. appt is at 915 in panorama city so i gotta hit the road, potty issues and all. oy vey
and i have nervous gas. ha!
i have to remember god got me through my most suicidal, lonely and desperate times of my life.
Monday, April 5, 2010
i have been told from time to time that i am a drama queen and tend to blow things out of control. i used to wonder how and why? i would become hurt and cry. no drama queen here. i don't cry at the drop of a hat or anger quickly. nor do i feel and hear everything with more passion than i can explain. when i love, i love painstakingly, when i fear, i fear with such intensity. i have been categorized as a much emotional person and "very easily overwhelmed", based on my file at the doctor's office. this time this drama is just as real if not more than any other i have experienced.
in my last blog i talked about the fear of death, the lump in my breast and how will i handle it. well, the day has come where the biopsy will be performed on my right breast. i didn't bother to search for the said lump, nor did i want to know what it felt like. i felt it. i made sure it was what i was looking for and i'm more scared than ever. not only because of the biopsy tomorrow, but because of how it feels and what category it falls into.
ive done much searching to find out about the different types of lumps women and men can develop. and to be honest, i'm really freaking scare. i thought i had this fear of biopsy and results handled and well under control. apparently not. i feel like i'm going to run screaming and i am finding it impossible to eat because i am so nervous. i slept the day away so i wouldn't have to cope with the fear and spiral into a crazy lady in tears. regardless, the tears are waiting to pour.
thoughts of what they will do and how they will do it is running through my head like one of those songs you hate that keeps playing on the radio or the cd player thats stuck on repeat. lol. i'm good like that. my brain hates me i think.
i thought i had paid my dues in childhood suffering with juvenile rheumatoid arthritis. i was crippled, literally, with pain. i was at school one day at age 7 and fell to my bootie with pain. pain so bad that i could not stand and barely tolerate sitting. and i am also under the assumption that all of the hell i went through as a kid until 18 years old was enough to fill the talley sheet. no such luck. health issues are common for human beings, i know. but goodness gracious. isn't there a roster that says "she's had enough heartache in her life, lets give her a break and chill." ????? conclusively NOT. ugh
im scared as hell. im shaking, im being as calm as possible. i am taking my xanax. i am breathing mindfully, thinking slowly, walking slowly and mindfully. i am trying to practive my meditation through Christ who strengthens me. im trying really incredibly hard. what freaks me out most is waiting for the results. i have no problem with needles n stuff. i just can't imagine getting back results that are in the red. i pray, plead for that not to be so.
statistics show that 33% of women tend to have fibroid tumors or dense tissue in their breasts and its totally "normal". how is that so? how is it normal for the body to create tissue that doesn't belong there? how is that freakin normal? last time i checked, it wasn't.
this little thing in me is about the size of a large pearl. hopefully its pretty like that too. but really, 9cm is pretty nice and big for a ring, however, not allowed in my breast.
some women are concerned with losing the breast, for myself, i really don't care if it comes to that. meaning, if they need to remove what is poisoned, take it out ASAP! i want nothing rotting in my body. nothing that is potentially infectious and invasive. the last thing i'm worried about is lost part of or the entire breast. just remove it. god said if its diseased, paraphrasing here, cut it off.
i know that god answers prayer and is in control of all things in my life. i also know that i can leave it at his feet and trust him with every bit of my being. and sometimes i don't know or forget how to do it. like right now for instance. i am struggling with leaving it at his feet. i am having a hard time with the battle in my head that says its going to be fine, which i know is god speaking. this head of mine loves to fool with me. its true when they say the mind is far stronger than the body. it is and i despise it.
god says he will care for, clothe, feed and provide shelter for even the smallest of creatures. not to worry about things of this world. not to worry about what we don't need and concern ourselves with what we need spiritually. i am struggling. and i know that i know he will provide the strength and wisdom i need when it comes to my results.
even though i know that my results will not prove that i have something malignant in my breast. i know its going to be a fibroid, my family has a history of fibroids, so i'm holding onto that. i am holding onto it so tight and trusting god as much as i can.
call me a baby, but what else can someone think or do with this kind of stuff going on in their body? really, i cant imagine taking it with stride. "oh its just my body and there's a tumor in it. no big." how? perhaps i am being a drama queen. who knows. i just know, i'd rather be a drama queen rather than be in denial of life itself.
in my last blog i talked about the fear of death, the lump in my breast and how will i handle it. well, the day has come where the biopsy will be performed on my right breast. i didn't bother to search for the said lump, nor did i want to know what it felt like. i felt it. i made sure it was what i was looking for and i'm more scared than ever. not only because of the biopsy tomorrow, but because of how it feels and what category it falls into.
ive done much searching to find out about the different types of lumps women and men can develop. and to be honest, i'm really freaking scare. i thought i had this fear of biopsy and results handled and well under control. apparently not. i feel like i'm going to run screaming and i am finding it impossible to eat because i am so nervous. i slept the day away so i wouldn't have to cope with the fear and spiral into a crazy lady in tears. regardless, the tears are waiting to pour.
thoughts of what they will do and how they will do it is running through my head like one of those songs you hate that keeps playing on the radio or the cd player thats stuck on repeat. lol. i'm good like that. my brain hates me i think.
i thought i had paid my dues in childhood suffering with juvenile rheumatoid arthritis. i was crippled, literally, with pain. i was at school one day at age 7 and fell to my bootie with pain. pain so bad that i could not stand and barely tolerate sitting. and i am also under the assumption that all of the hell i went through as a kid until 18 years old was enough to fill the talley sheet. no such luck. health issues are common for human beings, i know. but goodness gracious. isn't there a roster that says "she's had enough heartache in her life, lets give her a break and chill." ????? conclusively NOT. ugh
im scared as hell. im shaking, im being as calm as possible. i am taking my xanax. i am breathing mindfully, thinking slowly, walking slowly and mindfully. i am trying to practive my meditation through Christ who strengthens me. im trying really incredibly hard. what freaks me out most is waiting for the results. i have no problem with needles n stuff. i just can't imagine getting back results that are in the red. i pray, plead for that not to be so.
statistics show that 33% of women tend to have fibroid tumors or dense tissue in their breasts and its totally "normal". how is that so? how is it normal for the body to create tissue that doesn't belong there? how is that freakin normal? last time i checked, it wasn't.
this little thing in me is about the size of a large pearl. hopefully its pretty like that too. but really, 9cm is pretty nice and big for a ring, however, not allowed in my breast.
some women are concerned with losing the breast, for myself, i really don't care if it comes to that. meaning, if they need to remove what is poisoned, take it out ASAP! i want nothing rotting in my body. nothing that is potentially infectious and invasive. the last thing i'm worried about is lost part of or the entire breast. just remove it. god said if its diseased, paraphrasing here, cut it off.
i know that god answers prayer and is in control of all things in my life. i also know that i can leave it at his feet and trust him with every bit of my being. and sometimes i don't know or forget how to do it. like right now for instance. i am struggling with leaving it at his feet. i am having a hard time with the battle in my head that says its going to be fine, which i know is god speaking. this head of mine loves to fool with me. its true when they say the mind is far stronger than the body. it is and i despise it.
god says he will care for, clothe, feed and provide shelter for even the smallest of creatures. not to worry about things of this world. not to worry about what we don't need and concern ourselves with what we need spiritually. i am struggling. and i know that i know he will provide the strength and wisdom i need when it comes to my results.
even though i know that my results will not prove that i have something malignant in my breast. i know its going to be a fibroid, my family has a history of fibroids, so i'm holding onto that. i am holding onto it so tight and trusting god as much as i can.
call me a baby, but what else can someone think or do with this kind of stuff going on in their body? really, i cant imagine taking it with stride. "oh its just my body and there's a tumor in it. no big." how? perhaps i am being a drama queen. who knows. i just know, i'd rather be a drama queen rather than be in denial of life itself.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Fear
i have never been the kind of person who is a afraid of death. come to think of it, i never really thought of it as an awful or sad thing. i mean, sure i was sad when someone that was close to me or a family member would pass on. but that was really the end of that life. i would mourn for about a week, at least it felt that way, and then move forward with life and living. now don't get me wrong, i am not insensitive in the least. i am much feeling about losing a loved one, i just seem to be able to cope with it differently. now that doesn't say i know what would happen to me mentally when my mom or dad pass on. regardless of my dad being an asshole. oh no! did i just call my dad an asshole? all jokes aside, we're all here on borrowed time anyway, so its inevitable. at least in a natural manner. and i know i can't live forever.
so this whole death thing. you really dont think about it happening to yourself much. i know its bound to happen someday of course and thats really ok. i just don't want it to happen before i am able to be in my nephew's life for as long as i can. no, i'm not sick or have a fatal illness, i hope. i also know that i would be shattered if i were to leave earlier than expected. i have too many people i want to love much longer. i don't want to know the sadness my husband would go through, my mom would be a mess and my sister, well, shes my best friend on earth. and the thought of not being and sharing happiness and everything in between. and ian, oh sweet wonderful ian. i cant imagine...cant even imagine. he always asks me if i will always be here with him. what if? sigh
why am i speaking of this? ok, i'll fess up. i had a mammogram about 2 weeks ago, maybe 3. within the last week i have had 3 repeated calls at home and a letter requesting i make an appt stat for additional testing. apparently, my right breast is showing something abnormal. i nearly pooped my pants and began to well up with fear and anxiety. its not often any of my tests come back abnormal. maybe once or twice. once was the left, but i had a lame ass practitioner not take into consideration that my glands WOULD BE swollen due to my cycle. ass. i still get worked up about it. i thought i had cancer right off the bat. this time is different. a highly reputable doctor referred me to the mammo and then set up the appt. the scheduler, who was her assistant sounded worried. so here i am. oh my god.
it was typical that i would check myself on occasion and sometimes i would forget like everyone else. it was also advised by my dr. to see her every year so she can do it herself due to my extremely neurotic reaction to many things different in or on my body. i have a great fear of pain and dying in pain or disease or any other way than going to sleep when its over. so! (as my 3 year old nephew would say) it just might be nothing. it might just be absolutely nada. it could just be something needing a biopsy and turn out to be hellish. aaaaand naturally, as it is my nature, i will be under the impression that i am indeed dying from breast cancer. i self talk, i meditate, i eat sugar, ive been bingeing and not aware, waking up while sleep eating. i'm a fucking mess.
in the last couple of days, since scheduling my appt, ive been somewhat weepy, have anxiety and feel the depression monster coming. although, it is that time of the month, the full moon just passed and i have been eating junk. i regret it every time i take a bite of candy. i'm taking my xanax so i can be human and not behaving like the poor kid i think i am in the back of my head. i felt my breast and did feel a little mass, OH GOD GIVE ME A XANAX! why do i torture myself? who else will, lol.
needless to say, i think i really am afraid of death. i don't feel my life is finished and i know its not a fatal or will be a fatal diagnosis and need to convince myself its a practice that is done every single day when something odd shows up. but what explains the look on the technicians face when she said my pictures came out just fine and she couldnt look at me? am i being so dramatic? OF COURSE. so i work on my feelings.
i am working day and night to not feel totally screwed and scared to death. i hate that my mind is so much stronger than my body and heart. and then even my heart is much stronger than my brain when it comes to love and impulse. as an example; i would much rather go to disneyland and be broke, than not go at all. i would much rather not pay my credit cards and pay a late fee than not go to new york. my priorities are kind of wacky in there.
so i will continue to meditate through God and breath mindfully, thoughtfully and slowly. i will stop being a nerd and let that little monster in my head tell me its going to be bad. its so hard! it is so hard indeed. rewinding tapes and rewriting them is very hard. i will hope for the best and will find out tomorrow that my boobs are just swollen and filled with sacks of fat. surprise! theyre huge. and then i remember the saying "be careful what you wish for." i've wished i had smaller breasts, for something that is impossible unless i were to correct what i find most uncomfortable and painful once a month. i could be eating my words. i pray god no. i'm going to go and eat a giant bowl of cheerios fruity with 10 gallons of whole milk now. they're healthy right? they are cheerios afterall. sheesh.
so this whole death thing. you really dont think about it happening to yourself much. i know its bound to happen someday of course and thats really ok. i just don't want it to happen before i am able to be in my nephew's life for as long as i can. no, i'm not sick or have a fatal illness, i hope. i also know that i would be shattered if i were to leave earlier than expected. i have too many people i want to love much longer. i don't want to know the sadness my husband would go through, my mom would be a mess and my sister, well, shes my best friend on earth. and the thought of not being and sharing happiness and everything in between. and ian, oh sweet wonderful ian. i cant imagine...cant even imagine. he always asks me if i will always be here with him. what if? sigh
why am i speaking of this? ok, i'll fess up. i had a mammogram about 2 weeks ago, maybe 3. within the last week i have had 3 repeated calls at home and a letter requesting i make an appt stat for additional testing. apparently, my right breast is showing something abnormal. i nearly pooped my pants and began to well up with fear and anxiety. its not often any of my tests come back abnormal. maybe once or twice. once was the left, but i had a lame ass practitioner not take into consideration that my glands WOULD BE swollen due to my cycle. ass. i still get worked up about it. i thought i had cancer right off the bat. this time is different. a highly reputable doctor referred me to the mammo and then set up the appt. the scheduler, who was her assistant sounded worried. so here i am. oh my god.
it was typical that i would check myself on occasion and sometimes i would forget like everyone else. it was also advised by my dr. to see her every year so she can do it herself due to my extremely neurotic reaction to many things different in or on my body. i have a great fear of pain and dying in pain or disease or any other way than going to sleep when its over. so! (as my 3 year old nephew would say) it just might be nothing. it might just be absolutely nada. it could just be something needing a biopsy and turn out to be hellish. aaaaand naturally, as it is my nature, i will be under the impression that i am indeed dying from breast cancer. i self talk, i meditate, i eat sugar, ive been bingeing and not aware, waking up while sleep eating. i'm a fucking mess.
in the last couple of days, since scheduling my appt, ive been somewhat weepy, have anxiety and feel the depression monster coming. although, it is that time of the month, the full moon just passed and i have been eating junk. i regret it every time i take a bite of candy. i'm taking my xanax so i can be human and not behaving like the poor kid i think i am in the back of my head. i felt my breast and did feel a little mass, OH GOD GIVE ME A XANAX! why do i torture myself? who else will, lol.
needless to say, i think i really am afraid of death. i don't feel my life is finished and i know its not a fatal or will be a fatal diagnosis and need to convince myself its a practice that is done every single day when something odd shows up. but what explains the look on the technicians face when she said my pictures came out just fine and she couldnt look at me? am i being so dramatic? OF COURSE. so i work on my feelings.
i am working day and night to not feel totally screwed and scared to death. i hate that my mind is so much stronger than my body and heart. and then even my heart is much stronger than my brain when it comes to love and impulse. as an example; i would much rather go to disneyland and be broke, than not go at all. i would much rather not pay my credit cards and pay a late fee than not go to new york. my priorities are kind of wacky in there.
so i will continue to meditate through God and breath mindfully, thoughtfully and slowly. i will stop being a nerd and let that little monster in my head tell me its going to be bad. its so hard! it is so hard indeed. rewinding tapes and rewriting them is very hard. i will hope for the best and will find out tomorrow that my boobs are just swollen and filled with sacks of fat. surprise! theyre huge. and then i remember the saying "be careful what you wish for." i've wished i had smaller breasts, for something that is impossible unless i were to correct what i find most uncomfortable and painful once a month. i could be eating my words. i pray god no. i'm going to go and eat a giant bowl of cheerios fruity with 10 gallons of whole milk now. they're healthy right? they are cheerios afterall. sheesh.
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