The waiting game...

Today is the day after my wonderfully invaded breast had a snippet of metal inserted whilst removing some of the tissue that is making my mind fly all over the place. This little piece of metal is about as big as a large flea. EW! Needless to say, I will forever wonder if I can feel it in there. Or will it work its way out? Considering its metal and not of my body. Oh! They insert this little dealy dally in order to find the spot in which the mass lives in the breast for future exams. Fun

The day was eventful and I was full of teary eyed, denial humor, fear and honest to goodness shit rage. Luckily, I didn't crap my pants. I took care of that happening once I woke up. I took my meds and more meds to prevent such issues. I took .75mg of Xanax, which usually doesn't do much to the average adult, however, I am a 4'9" adult. Lemme tell you, I was mellow, however, freaked out.

I had prayed and prayed for God to take the fear from me every chance I had. I worked, struggled and battled with letting the fear go and trusting in God for all that I am. It was a hard one. A really hard one. My brain is set up to freak me out. I was given the gift, as I said before to be much feeling, much emotional and pretty much afraid of everything that can invade my body. I'm sure you understand. So I shut it down until they called me in. Then, my nervous humor hit. Thank GOD for my humor. Or his humor rather.

As I am being prepped to go into my little out-patient surgical room, I had my final mammo and walked half naked to the room with the table. Or should I say bed. I'm thinking of how it was explained to me and it matched my imagination perfectly. Sterile room, cold, smells sterile, chairs and machines all over, but no evidence of a machine that will suck this stuff out like a vacuum. I'm nervous and I am shaking like a leaf. The humor left me and I was overcome with confusion and fear. a tad.

I laid my short body on this gurney with a hole in the center of it. I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to climb up this damn tiny stair stool and get my boob in the hole. It was quite comical really. I commented about the punching bag thing and we laughed. The nurses were so nice! I lay on my belly and PLOP goes the boobie. Fire in the holE!!! I am comfy and cozy, xanax has me chilled out, but still fear is running through my body. Then bam! I calm.

The calmness that overcame me was so unusual for myself. So unusual, I thought something was wrong. As if they may have given me something in the numbing product. There was some pain, but the nice doctor injected more and I didn't feel a thing. I was on the most comfy bed of my life at that moment. Not because of the lack of feeling, but because the feeling of being comforted. This comfort was unbelievable in retrospect. it was only a couple of days ago. Or 1 day, thats right 1 day. The nurse rubbed my shoulder and helped me sit still. She had warm sweet hands and spoke softly to me as if a child. I was asked if i was ok a lot. I was unbelievably ok. I was really ok and felt like a warm blanket was over my body.

What felt like a warm blanket of great comfort, like when you would sleep with your Mommy and feel so toasty and warm, was God. I know it was God. I struggled with giving it all and trusting 100% with my being and soul. I know he was in control, he supplied my need for comfort. I am ultimately thankful. God answered my prayer. He wrapped his arms around me, embraced my fear and lifted it from my body. I don't know how else to explain it. I have NEVER been given that kind of comfort when I'm physically in pain. Never.

So to this moment in my life that I shall remember forever. I THANK GOD for having the answer to my prayer and granting me my sanity and helping me through my horrid fear. I am now trusting God with my result consultation on next Tuesday. This is even more difficult than the biopsy. I am giving him my fear, but can't seem to get a grip.

I know it will all be over soon and whatever the outcome is, it is. I cannot control what happens or when it happens. I can only trust that God is in control and knows what is best for me. Sickness or health.