i have been told from time to time that i am a drama queen and tend to blow things out of control. i used to wonder how and why? i would become hurt and cry. no drama queen here. i don't cry at the drop of a hat or anger quickly. nor do i feel and hear everything with more passion than i can explain. when i love, i love painstakingly, when i fear, i fear with such intensity. i have been categorized as a much emotional person and "very easily overwhelmed", based on my file at the doctor's office. this time this drama is just as real if not more than any other i have experienced.

in my last blog i talked about the fear of death, the lump in my breast and how will i handle it. well, the day has come where the biopsy will be performed on my right breast. i didn't bother to search for the said lump, nor did i want to know what it felt like. i felt it. i made sure it was what i was looking for and i'm more scared than ever. not only because of the biopsy tomorrow, but because of how it feels and what category it falls into.

ive done much searching to find out about the different types of lumps women and men can develop. and to be honest, i'm really freaking scare. i thought i had this fear of biopsy and results handled and well under control. apparently not. i feel like i'm going to run screaming and i am finding it impossible to eat because i am so nervous. i slept the day away so i wouldn't have to cope with the fear and spiral into a crazy lady in tears. regardless, the tears are waiting to pour.

thoughts of what they will do and how they will do it is running through my head like one of those songs you hate that keeps playing on the radio or the cd player thats stuck on repeat. lol. i'm good like that. my brain hates me i think.

i thought i had paid my dues in childhood suffering with juvenile rheumatoid arthritis. i was crippled, literally, with pain. i was at school one day at age 7 and fell to my bootie with pain. pain so bad that i could not stand and barely tolerate sitting. and i am also under the assumption that all of the hell i went through as a kid until 18 years old was enough to fill the talley sheet. no such luck. health issues are common for human beings, i know. but goodness gracious. isn't there a roster that says "she's had enough heartache in her life, lets give her a break and chill." ????? conclusively NOT. ugh

im scared as hell. im shaking, im being as calm as possible. i am taking my xanax. i am breathing mindfully, thinking slowly, walking slowly and mindfully. i am trying to practive my meditation through Christ who strengthens me. im trying really incredibly hard. what freaks me out most is waiting for the results. i have no problem with needles n stuff. i just can't imagine getting back results that are in the red. i pray, plead for that not to be so.

statistics show that 33% of women tend to have fibroid tumors or dense tissue in their breasts and its totally "normal". how is that so? how is it normal for the body to create tissue that doesn't belong there? how is that freakin normal? last time i checked, it wasn't.

this little thing in me is about the size of a large pearl. hopefully its pretty like that too. but really, 9cm is pretty nice and big for a ring, however, not allowed in my breast.

some women are concerned with losing the breast, for myself, i really don't care if it comes to that. meaning, if they need to remove what is poisoned, take it out ASAP! i want nothing rotting in my body. nothing that is potentially infectious and invasive. the last thing i'm worried about is lost part of or the entire breast. just remove it. god said if its diseased, paraphrasing here, cut it off.

i know that god answers prayer and is in control of all things in my life. i also know that i can leave it at his feet and trust him with every bit of my being. and sometimes i don't know or forget how to do it. like right now for instance. i am struggling with leaving it at his feet. i am having a hard time with the battle in my head that says its going to be fine, which i know is god speaking. this head of mine loves to fool with me. its true when they say the mind is far stronger than the body. it is and i despise it.

god says he will care for, clothe, feed and provide shelter for even the smallest of creatures. not to worry about things of this world. not to worry about what we don't need and concern ourselves with what we need spiritually. i am struggling. and i know that i know he will provide the strength and wisdom i need when it comes to my results.

even though i know that my results will not prove that i have something malignant in my breast. i know its going to be a fibroid, my family has a history of fibroids, so i'm holding onto that. i am holding onto it so tight and trusting god as much as i can.

call me a baby, but what else can someone think or do with this kind of stuff going on in their body? really, i cant imagine taking it with stride. "oh its just my body and there's a tumor in it. no big." how? perhaps i am being a drama queen. who knows. i just know, i'd rather be a drama queen rather than be in denial of life itself.