Fear

i have never been the kind of person who is a afraid of death. come to think of it, i never really thought of it as an awful or sad thing. i mean, sure i was sad when someone that was close to me or a family member would pass on. but that was really the end of that life. i would mourn for about a week, at least it felt that way, and then move forward with life and living. now don't get me wrong, i am not insensitive in the least. i am much feeling about losing a loved one, i just seem to be able to cope with it differently. now that doesn't say i know what would happen to me mentally when my mom or dad pass on. regardless of my dad being an asshole. oh no! did i just call my dad an asshole? all jokes aside, we're all here on borrowed time anyway, so its inevitable. at least in a natural manner. and i know i can't live forever.

so this whole death thing. you really dont think about it happening to yourself much. i know its bound to happen someday of course and thats really ok. i just don't want it to happen before i am able to be in my nephew's life for as long as i can. no, i'm not sick or have a fatal illness, i hope. i also know that i would be shattered if i were to leave earlier than expected. i have too many people i want to love much longer. i don't want to know the sadness my husband would go through, my mom would be a mess and my sister, well, shes my best friend on earth. and the thought of not being and sharing happiness and everything in between. and ian, oh sweet wonderful ian. i cant imagine...cant even imagine. he always asks me if i will always be here with him. what if? sigh

why am i speaking of this? ok, i'll fess up. i had a mammogram about 2 weeks ago, maybe 3. within the last week i have had 3 repeated calls at home and a letter requesting i make an appt stat for additional testing. apparently, my right breast is showing something abnormal. i nearly pooped my pants and began to well up with fear and anxiety. its not often any of my tests come back abnormal. maybe once or twice. once was the left, but i had a lame ass practitioner not take into consideration that my glands WOULD BE swollen due to my cycle. ass. i still get worked up about it. i thought i had cancer right off the bat. this time is different. a highly reputable doctor referred me to the mammo and then set up the appt. the scheduler, who was her assistant sounded worried. so here i am. oh my god.

it was typical that i would check myself on occasion and sometimes i would forget like everyone else. it was also advised by my dr. to see her every year so she can do it herself due to my extremely neurotic reaction to many things different in or on my body. i have a great fear of pain and dying in pain or disease or any other way than going to sleep when its over. so! (as my 3 year old nephew would say) it just might be nothing. it might just be absolutely nada. it could just be something needing a biopsy and turn out to be hellish. aaaaand naturally, as it is my nature, i will be under the impression that i am indeed dying from breast cancer. i self talk, i meditate, i eat sugar, ive been bingeing and not aware, waking up while sleep eating. i'm a fucking mess.

in the last couple of days, since scheduling my appt, ive been somewhat weepy, have anxiety and feel the depression monster coming. although, it is that time of the month, the full moon just passed and i have been eating junk. i regret it every time i take a bite of candy. i'm taking my xanax so i can be human and not behaving like the poor kid i think i am in the back of my head. i felt my breast and did feel a little mass, OH GOD GIVE ME A XANAX! why do i torture myself? who else will, lol.

needless to say, i think i really am afraid of death. i don't feel my life is finished and i know its not a fatal or will be a fatal diagnosis and need to convince myself its a practice that is done every single day when something odd shows up. but what explains the look on the technicians face when she said my pictures came out just fine and she couldnt look at me? am i being so dramatic? OF COURSE. so i work on my feelings.

i am working day and night to not feel totally screwed and scared to death. i hate that my mind is so much stronger than my body and heart. and then even my heart is much stronger than my brain when it comes to love and impulse. as an example; i would much rather go to disneyland and be broke, than not go at all. i would much rather not pay my credit cards and pay a late fee than not go to new york. my priorities are kind of wacky in there.

so i will continue to meditate through God and breath mindfully, thoughtfully and slowly. i will stop being a nerd and let that little monster in my head tell me its going to be bad. its so hard! it is so hard indeed. rewinding tapes and rewriting them is very hard. i will hope for the best and will find out tomorrow that my boobs are just swollen and filled with sacks of fat. surprise! theyre huge. and then i remember the saying "be careful what you wish for." i've wished i had smaller breasts, for something that is impossible unless i were to correct what i find most uncomfortable and painful once a month. i could be eating my words. i pray god no. i'm going to go and eat a giant bowl of cheerios fruity with 10 gallons of whole milk now. they're healthy right? they are cheerios afterall. sheesh.