The book of love is long and boring
No one can lift the damn thing
Its full of charts and facts and figures
And instructions for dancing...
No truer words have been written in a love song. If they're called love songs anymore. I'm a sap for them, regardless. And no sooner than I hear them, I feel heartbroken regardless as well.
There's something going on in this life of mine. Am I to be blessed with days of true happiness or love? Am I really living the life that I was advised of year's ago? Yes to both. I think. So far, it seems as though the weirdo psychic lady was right. Actually, more than one. There were a few who warned me of my life as far as love is concerned. They said to be careful of unrequited love. I thought the first one was nuts. Then the second and the third. Not seeking info, info was revealed to me. I thought they were full of shit in a can.
thought: what a baby, can't shit so they cry. good god.
The first time I heard Peter Gabriel sing The Book of Love, I wept. I still do. Its far too romantic and completely true. I remember those feelings. I remember thinking that the world was made of beautiful brilliant sunlight and joy....and here I sit. Trying to relearn to love my husband dearly and relearn coping skills with my returning mental illness on a heightened level. Its shitty. I'm feeling self pity and I really don't care about that anymore. So worried about seemingly ok with getting better and not feeling sorry for myself. Well, tears are here, anxiety attacks, etc. I'm so pissed
That said, this morning I forgot how torturous this song is and was to me. I am on the brink of another meltdown, I can feel it in my bones and from every stitch of the very core of my being. What the hell? Now, I remember how sad The Book of Love made me and was my best friend in my sadness. Time for something else.
Peter Gabriel, man in my head, breathing my feelings to life from within and somehow putting them into a song and so dead on, I'm shocked. I just really liked this song before, but somehowwww, its suitable for the last few days. God I hate feeling so bleak about it. I cannot stop it. Its like a train speeding by that can't stop. No brakes, clutch is busted, no other gear than fast and into a brick wall that prevents further travel. Don't know if I can laugh this away this time around.
My body is a cage
That keeps me from dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key
My body is a cage
That keeps me from dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key
I'm standing on a stage
Of fear and self doubt
It's a hollow play
But they'll clap anyway
My body is a cage
That keeps me from dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key
You're standing next to me
My mind holds the key
I'm living in an age
That calls darkness light
Though my language is dead
Still the shapes fill my head
I'm living in an age
Whose name I don't know
Though the fear keeps me moving
Still my heart beats so slow
My body is a cage
[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/my-body-is-a-cage-lyrics-peter-gabriel.html ]
That keeps me from dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key
You're standing next to me
My mind holds the key
My body is a...
My body is a cage
We take what we're given
Just because you've forgotten
That don't mean you're forgiven
I'm living in an age
That screams my name at night
But when I get to the doorway
There's no one in sight
I'm living in an age
They laugh when I'm dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key
You're standing next to me
My mind holds the key
Set my spirit free
Set my spirit free
Set my body free
Set my body free
Set my spirit free
Set my body free
http://youtu.be/6nZGv8VTBVE
http://youtu.be/8ve4i4iy-ag
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Can I
I ask "can I?" due to my difficulties as of late and upon new medication regulation. Its kind of terrifying to think that its bad enough to medicate the voices in my head. Apparently, they were more than "voices".
Where can I start? How can I start?
There is not a soul in the world that can know what I feel, hear, see, however, there are some who have a trace of empathy about this driving subject. Driving? Driving me into a black hole most of the time.
Iknow they say idle hands are the devil's something or other. But yet we are forced to sit idle. Family actvities, sleepovers (with family), out for dinner (WF), amusement parks (WF), shopping ooooh shopping (WF)! Kinda get the hinty hint? Everything I do needs to be either completely solo or with my family. Its the only way I feel 100% safe. I hate it really. I don't go out much, I'm a recluse, I hate food, driving and love shopping especially much. I'm a ball of confusion, here's and there's. You can also read the racing thoughts as I write.
I went back again. Back to old blogs, journal entries, etc. Shit I'm on fire with commas today. lol, and tomorrow. So I'm back, I'm reading this year's entries. I need a special jacket based on all of that shit. I
So here's what I ask myself. When the hell did Schizphrenia become a psychosis of BPII? How come I didnt get the effing memo? How come?!!! Im seeing this psychosis as something we could have kicked in the ass before I literally flipped out. Yes, FLIFUCKINGLIPPEDOUT. One odd moment lead to the next. One nght theres a man standing over me telling me lets go. Another night, men marching. I think I talked about this in prior blogs. I'm positive I did. Why do I give a shit anyway. Lol. I do know, I would love a pile of Kit Kat bars, thats fo sho. I think I'm hungry. Oh yes, hungryyyy.
Not sure hwo I like my new med Seroquel. She seems to be making it even more difficult for weight loss and easy peasy for weight gain. Shit on a stick. A fat one so my fat ass can drop a hot one. Ew. Gross huh! Well, whateveRRRR. I like how that sounds. lol RRRR
I talk to myself a lot. Do I eat the Taco Bell Grande? Do I wait for dinner in 3 hours? Do I have a glass of milk? Do I have a slice of bread? More coffee? Where's the candy.....oh sugar, azugar, mmmmmhmmm. Sugar and men. Nice ring. shhhh
Men:
As of late, the last 11 years, I've been steady with this sweet guy. My husband, hehehe. Been together since we met. Been together for a long frickin time in my world. literally. Comes a time when one looks at our lovelies and have to ask, "Why do you have to make noise when you chew!!!! Why do you scratch your ass in front of me while I'm watching tv???!!! Come on dudes, you know you do it. I'd scratch my ass if I could reach properly. Even "adjust" the adjustable. "Are you present while I am speaking to you???" But if thats all I have to complain about, why complain..ehman i have a thing for that multiple period at the end of my sentences. If given the permission to period punctuate every and all things, i think my notes would look like this.... i... like...ice cream...what a pain in the ass!!! High 5 man. 11 years with a dude. lol
I don't think my sugar plum can quite grasp this illness that has jumped on board for foreversville. I wish he could. I provide reading material coping skills are given, and not one thing is even considered. This isn't just a problem that gets medicated away for a little while in life, but all of the time. 24/7 medicated. I've forgotten who I am. Last summer was a good summer. Maybe fall will be my season this year around.
Those lovely random mood and life altering swings are EPIC. Fail. If I could express, I would give away my shoes to anyone who is willing to take on this delusional and hallucinal, and all of that lusional or al. When youre diagnosed, it feels like an emotional death sentence. Why can't anyone understand?
Where can I start? How can I start?
There is not a soul in the world that can know what I feel, hear, see, however, there are some who have a trace of empathy about this driving subject. Driving? Driving me into a black hole most of the time.
Iknow they say idle hands are the devil's something or other. But yet we are forced to sit idle. Family actvities, sleepovers (with family), out for dinner (WF), amusement parks (WF), shopping ooooh shopping (WF)! Kinda get the hinty hint? Everything I do needs to be either completely solo or with my family. Its the only way I feel 100% safe. I hate it really. I don't go out much, I'm a recluse, I hate food, driving and love shopping especially much. I'm a ball of confusion, here's and there's. You can also read the racing thoughts as I write.
I went back again. Back to old blogs, journal entries, etc. Shit I'm on fire with commas today. lol, and tomorrow. So I'm back, I'm reading this year's entries. I need a special jacket based on all of that shit. I
So here's what I ask myself. When the hell did Schizphrenia become a psychosis of BPII? How come I didnt get the effing memo? How come?!!! Im seeing this psychosis as something we could have kicked in the ass before I literally flipped out. Yes, FLIFUCKINGLIPPEDOUT. One odd moment lead to the next. One nght theres a man standing over me telling me lets go. Another night, men marching. I think I talked about this in prior blogs. I'm positive I did. Why do I give a shit anyway. Lol. I do know, I would love a pile of Kit Kat bars, thats fo sho. I think I'm hungry. Oh yes, hungryyyy.
Not sure hwo I like my new med Seroquel. She seems to be making it even more difficult for weight loss and easy peasy for weight gain. Shit on a stick. A fat one so my fat ass can drop a hot one. Ew. Gross huh! Well, whateveRRRR. I like how that sounds. lol RRRR
I talk to myself a lot. Do I eat the Taco Bell Grande? Do I wait for dinner in 3 hours? Do I have a glass of milk? Do I have a slice of bread? More coffee? Where's the candy.....oh sugar, azugar, mmmmmhmmm. Sugar and men. Nice ring. shhhh
Men:
As of late, the last 11 years, I've been steady with this sweet guy. My husband, hehehe. Been together since we met. Been together for a long frickin time in my world. literally. Comes a time when one looks at our lovelies and have to ask, "Why do you have to make noise when you chew!!!! Why do you scratch your ass in front of me while I'm watching tv???!!! Come on dudes, you know you do it. I'd scratch my ass if I could reach properly. Even "adjust" the adjustable. "Are you present while I am speaking to you???" But if thats all I have to complain about, why complain..ehman i have a thing for that multiple period at the end of my sentences. If given the permission to period punctuate every and all things, i think my notes would look like this.... i... like...ice cream...what a pain in the ass!!! High 5 man. 11 years with a dude. lol
I don't think my sugar plum can quite grasp this illness that has jumped on board for foreversville. I wish he could. I provide reading material coping skills are given, and not one thing is even considered. This isn't just a problem that gets medicated away for a little while in life, but all of the time. 24/7 medicated. I've forgotten who I am. Last summer was a good summer. Maybe fall will be my season this year around.
Those lovely random mood and life altering swings are EPIC. Fail. If I could express, I would give away my shoes to anyone who is willing to take on this delusional and hallucinal, and all of that lusional or al. When youre diagnosed, it feels like an emotional death sentence. Why can't anyone understand?
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Finally, an answer from someone with a brain.
Lilly lies next to me, rolled up in a puppy ball, stretchy and yawny. So cute and soft and so fortunate to have a home and the things that trouble humans so. She is my saving grace, as is the other furry pets we have. If it weren't for my animals, husband, anyone with love to receive from myself, I'd be dead in spirit and mind.
I've been battling a lot lately. The ghost stories, can't remember if I posted the touching, pulling, raping, grabbing, mocking and laughing at myself. My experiences have been more than an adventure, if you will. They have been terrifying and sickening. I would think I would be used to it. Apparently, not.
Christmas' silly anomaly, voices calling me here at home and whichever hotel I may be at during travel. Marching spirits around my hotel bed. Hitting, kicking, jumping and sitting on my bed as well. This is fucked. Was fucked.
Long story short, freaky neighbor comes over to check out the phenomena, it gets worse. I end up utterly insane and now on new meds.
Since those few weeks/couple of months, I have been prescribed new medication. First one was shit, this one is ok. A lot insomniac, and minimal vision or voice situations. I have also learned that I need to accept the fact that I AM indeed mentally ill, moreso than I thought.
It isn't uncommon for a family member to have a mental illness or some type of brain altering situation in our live's. Our young, little short live's. Alas, I was last in line and got it good. I'd take your addiction and hallucinations for 50 Alex. Now that would be a good gig. Money for experiences. It got so bad, I couldn't watch reality, fake ghost tv.
During those weeks, I cried constantly, threatened suicide constantly and from time to time actually picked up a knife and wondered if it would hurt that bad, it did. Didn't break the skin, but just the pressure was fucking painful. Needless to say, I am a chicken shit suicidal brainiac. If I use pills, I'll puke and poop myself. If I use a bullet, well, thats just not even an option to even present. None of it is. Thankfully, through Christ I am alive. Indeed. I am so alive. Perhaps too much.
On down the road I go. Thinkin, hey' this mental illness stuff is easy peasy. I take my meds, I sleep and eat well, so hows that, time to get a job. BAM! The aforementioned occured and here I am feeling thrown back at square one. "Hi there, I'm Tammy the lose it too easily girlie girl. Watch out, I cry incredibly easily and I am certifiably insane. Not insane, just leveling out almost patty duke bipolar disorder." Some how, bad antibiotics and an allergy to them brought this shit out big and strong. sigh
I'm just gonna ramble, as if i already haven't, my entire life in fact.
i finally got the balls to be pissed off with my therapist. "what in the fuck am i working on? am i just depressive disorder? personality disorder? bipolar? unipolar? schizophrenic? what the fuck am i dealing with? and don't kiss my ass with candy ass answers. what the hell is it?" i learned and i wept. and wept some more. its not just some anti-depressant treatment, it will be life long. it will be a challenge to forever take on and battle with some literal blood, sweat, tons of tears and a really caustic sense of humor. im nuts so sue me. ;)
i had begun journaling my "spiritual" experiences and took the time to take a look back at them, just 2 months later. i scare the shit out of me in this thing. documentation of what and who was seen or said. what happened to my physically and mentally. where the evil comes from and then a sigh of relief because of artificial meds.
problems? whose got problems? i know i dont. i'm perfectly me i guess. i like to think. god doesnt make mistakes, but we do procreate and from time to time someone gets the curse of lillith or just the curse of mi familia. some say we pay for the sins of the father. bullshit. i think i'm paying for the sins of the generations. lol.
we all have dysfunction, even a fancy spelling for it, whatever.
my biggest problem and polarization of emotion is the contempt i feel for mankind and gummi bears. cant forget marshmallows. i've bumped up the weight a bit during my depressive state and now find it necessary to punish myself with gummi bears galore. i can eat a truck load in a day.
this anger i harbor for human beings is intense. it angers me to a degree i had no clue i could hit. complete and total contempt. hatred. whats the going rate on diamonds these days?
commercials, news, earthquakes, floods, death and stench of hatred are afloat these days. i hope i'm not amongst that. hatred.
I've been battling a lot lately. The ghost stories, can't remember if I posted the touching, pulling, raping, grabbing, mocking and laughing at myself. My experiences have been more than an adventure, if you will. They have been terrifying and sickening. I would think I would be used to it. Apparently, not.
Christmas' silly anomaly, voices calling me here at home and whichever hotel I may be at during travel. Marching spirits around my hotel bed. Hitting, kicking, jumping and sitting on my bed as well. This is fucked. Was fucked.
Long story short, freaky neighbor comes over to check out the phenomena, it gets worse. I end up utterly insane and now on new meds.
Since those few weeks/couple of months, I have been prescribed new medication. First one was shit, this one is ok. A lot insomniac, and minimal vision or voice situations. I have also learned that I need to accept the fact that I AM indeed mentally ill, moreso than I thought.
It isn't uncommon for a family member to have a mental illness or some type of brain altering situation in our live's. Our young, little short live's. Alas, I was last in line and got it good. I'd take your addiction and hallucinations for 50 Alex. Now that would be a good gig. Money for experiences. It got so bad, I couldn't watch reality, fake ghost tv.
During those weeks, I cried constantly, threatened suicide constantly and from time to time actually picked up a knife and wondered if it would hurt that bad, it did. Didn't break the skin, but just the pressure was fucking painful. Needless to say, I am a chicken shit suicidal brainiac. If I use pills, I'll puke and poop myself. If I use a bullet, well, thats just not even an option to even present. None of it is. Thankfully, through Christ I am alive. Indeed. I am so alive. Perhaps too much.
On down the road I go. Thinkin, hey' this mental illness stuff is easy peasy. I take my meds, I sleep and eat well, so hows that, time to get a job. BAM! The aforementioned occured and here I am feeling thrown back at square one. "Hi there, I'm Tammy the lose it too easily girlie girl. Watch out, I cry incredibly easily and I am certifiably insane. Not insane, just leveling out almost patty duke bipolar disorder." Some how, bad antibiotics and an allergy to them brought this shit out big and strong. sigh
I'm just gonna ramble, as if i already haven't, my entire life in fact.
i finally got the balls to be pissed off with my therapist. "what in the fuck am i working on? am i just depressive disorder? personality disorder? bipolar? unipolar? schizophrenic? what the fuck am i dealing with? and don't kiss my ass with candy ass answers. what the hell is it?" i learned and i wept. and wept some more. its not just some anti-depressant treatment, it will be life long. it will be a challenge to forever take on and battle with some literal blood, sweat, tons of tears and a really caustic sense of humor. im nuts so sue me. ;)
i had begun journaling my "spiritual" experiences and took the time to take a look back at them, just 2 months later. i scare the shit out of me in this thing. documentation of what and who was seen or said. what happened to my physically and mentally. where the evil comes from and then a sigh of relief because of artificial meds.
problems? whose got problems? i know i dont. i'm perfectly me i guess. i like to think. god doesnt make mistakes, but we do procreate and from time to time someone gets the curse of lillith or just the curse of mi familia. some say we pay for the sins of the father. bullshit. i think i'm paying for the sins of the generations. lol.
we all have dysfunction, even a fancy spelling for it, whatever.
my biggest problem and polarization of emotion is the contempt i feel for mankind and gummi bears. cant forget marshmallows. i've bumped up the weight a bit during my depressive state and now find it necessary to punish myself with gummi bears galore. i can eat a truck load in a day.
this anger i harbor for human beings is intense. it angers me to a degree i had no clue i could hit. complete and total contempt. hatred. whats the going rate on diamonds these days?
commercials, news, earthquakes, floods, death and stench of hatred are afloat these days. i hope i'm not amongst that. hatred.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
What in the hell is going on here?!
Exactly, what in the hell IS going on?
As in former blog's of great historical insanity the spews from my gray matter, I am once again, increasingly slipping into the manic depressive coma. I have worked so hard to avoid this mania, however, my neurotransmitters, synapse, adrenal, endochrine, hormonally challeged brains sees different. I hate when my blogs sound like such downers. That said, it is my life. I have an intense love/hate relationship with. Fact for fact. If the earth exploded today, I wouldn't mind a bit. There are too many that need to leave the planet and are increasing by the moment.
God knows I do my best on a daily, sometimes I fail, sometimes I'm awesome spiritual lady. In they last few year's I have what feels like having become closer to God and yet feel more abandoned by the people in my life. Sure I have friends. But what do they consist of? Life is life? Life is busy and its ok to ignore someone who loves you greatly. As I say the same for myself and my relationship to God.
I kept a handwritten journal for a few weeks. It just didn't seem to workout. it scared the shit out of me as i was going through some serious "spiritual" experiences with my sensitivity to the supernatural. i hate that word. its so, so, lame. regardless, it was hellish.
short lil bio of neighbor, chris.
our new neighbor chris and his twin phillip are what they like to call "seekers of paranormal events." they don't believe in christ, alla, a lil bit o buddha but claim to be more on the native am side of religion. anyway, he has a huge energy. we had a situation at my home and we invited him in....MISTAKE. i have noticed he avoided me like a disease. only speaking with john. and i figured out why. i freaked him out.
OOOKKAAAY. Yepper, prehaps this is grandios thinking, but he is deeply involved with the spirit world and I am forced, by nature involved. I repeat, forced. Its one of those wonderfully innate, inherent, thank you Granny for being a mexican witch doctor and doing all that weird stuff on me. Although, really interesting stuff.
K, so. an anomaly shows up in my window for a few weeks. He comes over to see it, BAM! Let the games begin. Through research and practice he has become pretty hip to the realm of whatever you wanna call it. me, i know nada. I do know, we must show respect to the dead and other things that amy come to follow, even if its evil. if you mock it, it will definitely manifest itself around and within.
that said, he comes in, checks it out, trips out and could hardly look me in the eyes. its been like this for about 2 yrs. turns out a couple of weeks later, he took a deep breath and told john, "wow, you're wife is really intuitive and intelligent in the spiritual regard." I was shocked he even thought of it. as of then, nightmares came. haunting me in my dreams. demons that attempt to violate my mind body and spirit. call me crazy. i know i'm nuts. and thats the best part.
some nights i'd wake with someone standing over me and telling me they were going to take me with them. some would march around my bed and call my name. some, always in a grayish beige would pull me by my feet to an area that has been specified as a bad place in my dreams and in life. i am feeling and sensing many evil energies.
how do i know theyre evil? cause they scare the hell out of me and i'm not an easily spooked person. i've had interaction with many who need to speak. but never feared, this time, fear was incredibly difficult to deal with. i think i need some pie. is it legal to eat pie before noon?
on a go forward, i have had far too many dreams, meds for an illness that increased this and bottomed out due to this situation. thus, my reason for blogging my little heart out today.
i have been feeling kind of off, if you will. off in my spirit and being. rejection, loss, abandonement and lonelier than ever. i have my family, i have my projects and hobbies, but something is just amiss. apparently, i am in what they call a state of manic depression. i have no idea how that comes to be, i just know the tears want to come constantly.
ive aired my human error with my relationship. i have spoken about suicide, etc. and each and every fucking time this comes along its getting worse, not better.
i had mellowed on my new dosage of meds about last summer. i was fine, i was actually happy and living and traveling and just awesome living. suddenly, i hit a wall. fucked up wall. its not a wall of bricks or mud. it feels like the end of my mental health wall. like my brain is tired of working and speaking. its tired of being tired and achy. crying, being and getting sick, symptomatically sick in fact. and come to find out, my anger is out of control as well. not in a horrible case scenario, but in a tammy doesn't like to be nice kind of way. with the exception of my nephew of course. adults suck. and i am one. hmp
i'm sure there will be more bullshit to write. i hate being so negative! i might go into some details about my dreams, voices, and experiences. its a lifetime of occurances. it is exhausting my friends. life draining. of course, my therapist and psychiatrist feel i need chemicals to quell them. ugh
As in former blog's of great historical insanity the spews from my gray matter, I am once again, increasingly slipping into the manic depressive coma. I have worked so hard to avoid this mania, however, my neurotransmitters, synapse, adrenal, endochrine, hormonally challeged brains sees different. I hate when my blogs sound like such downers. That said, it is my life. I have an intense love/hate relationship with. Fact for fact. If the earth exploded today, I wouldn't mind a bit. There are too many that need to leave the planet and are increasing by the moment.
God knows I do my best on a daily, sometimes I fail, sometimes I'm awesome spiritual lady. In they last few year's I have what feels like having become closer to God and yet feel more abandoned by the people in my life. Sure I have friends. But what do they consist of? Life is life? Life is busy and its ok to ignore someone who loves you greatly. As I say the same for myself and my relationship to God.
I kept a handwritten journal for a few weeks. It just didn't seem to workout. it scared the shit out of me as i was going through some serious "spiritual" experiences with my sensitivity to the supernatural. i hate that word. its so, so, lame. regardless, it was hellish.
short lil bio of neighbor, chris.
our new neighbor chris and his twin phillip are what they like to call "seekers of paranormal events." they don't believe in christ, alla, a lil bit o buddha but claim to be more on the native am side of religion. anyway, he has a huge energy. we had a situation at my home and we invited him in....MISTAKE. i have noticed he avoided me like a disease. only speaking with john. and i figured out why. i freaked him out.
OOOKKAAAY. Yepper, prehaps this is grandios thinking, but he is deeply involved with the spirit world and I am forced, by nature involved. I repeat, forced. Its one of those wonderfully innate, inherent, thank you Granny for being a mexican witch doctor and doing all that weird stuff on me. Although, really interesting stuff.
K, so. an anomaly shows up in my window for a few weeks. He comes over to see it, BAM! Let the games begin. Through research and practice he has become pretty hip to the realm of whatever you wanna call it. me, i know nada. I do know, we must show respect to the dead and other things that amy come to follow, even if its evil. if you mock it, it will definitely manifest itself around and within.
that said, he comes in, checks it out, trips out and could hardly look me in the eyes. its been like this for about 2 yrs. turns out a couple of weeks later, he took a deep breath and told john, "wow, you're wife is really intuitive and intelligent in the spiritual regard." I was shocked he even thought of it. as of then, nightmares came. haunting me in my dreams. demons that attempt to violate my mind body and spirit. call me crazy. i know i'm nuts. and thats the best part.
some nights i'd wake with someone standing over me and telling me they were going to take me with them. some would march around my bed and call my name. some, always in a grayish beige would pull me by my feet to an area that has been specified as a bad place in my dreams and in life. i am feeling and sensing many evil energies.
how do i know theyre evil? cause they scare the hell out of me and i'm not an easily spooked person. i've had interaction with many who need to speak. but never feared, this time, fear was incredibly difficult to deal with. i think i need some pie. is it legal to eat pie before noon?
on a go forward, i have had far too many dreams, meds for an illness that increased this and bottomed out due to this situation. thus, my reason for blogging my little heart out today.
i have been feeling kind of off, if you will. off in my spirit and being. rejection, loss, abandonement and lonelier than ever. i have my family, i have my projects and hobbies, but something is just amiss. apparently, i am in what they call a state of manic depression. i have no idea how that comes to be, i just know the tears want to come constantly.
ive aired my human error with my relationship. i have spoken about suicide, etc. and each and every fucking time this comes along its getting worse, not better.
i had mellowed on my new dosage of meds about last summer. i was fine, i was actually happy and living and traveling and just awesome living. suddenly, i hit a wall. fucked up wall. its not a wall of bricks or mud. it feels like the end of my mental health wall. like my brain is tired of working and speaking. its tired of being tired and achy. crying, being and getting sick, symptomatically sick in fact. and come to find out, my anger is out of control as well. not in a horrible case scenario, but in a tammy doesn't like to be nice kind of way. with the exception of my nephew of course. adults suck. and i am one. hmp
i'm sure there will be more bullshit to write. i hate being so negative! i might go into some details about my dreams, voices, and experiences. its a lifetime of occurances. it is exhausting my friends. life draining. of course, my therapist and psychiatrist feel i need chemicals to quell them. ugh
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Animal cruelty - a conversation with myself and anyone who will listen. streaming mentailia! lol.
Quite often, I heard stories about animal cruelty, cruelty to the animals that are farmed for our consumption and to provide us meat, milk and other dairy products. At this point and time in my life, I never though I would see video or read information about how horrible it is. I mean, I was aware, but never mature enough to really see the truth. Not that anyone else isn't mature enough, I mean by way of my own mental capacity.
I belong to The Humane Society of the United States group on facebook and am a strong supporter of this charity. Occasionally, their link pops up on my home page whenever some new expose' is released or a fund raiser, party, etc., and I usually make it a point to NOT watch the vids cause I know it will damage me more than I already am. I also am trying not to share the links, however, whats the point if I can't try to create more awareness to the ugly truth. What is the purpose?
I had, in the past, watched video of how deplorable the conditions and treatment of livestock for our own personal consumption were treated and housed. I have seen the face of those evil doers who find in necessary, for some Ungodly reason, to abuse and horrify them into submission. Or just mistreat them for their own fucked up satisfaction. This is so unacceptable. OUTRAGEOUSLY ATROCIOUS AND VOMIT JERKING!!
I am beyond angry, words, tears, trying to understand the motivation! I need help coping with this. I need help and answers on how we can treat this epidemic of cruelty. Do the factory farms go out and look for sociopaths to care for their cattle? How and why the fuck is it justifiable. I am so angry. So hurt! I can feel the pain of these creatures. WHY! I will ask that at least a billion times by the time I'm done. Do they not see the face of a being, mammal, they have a fucking parent for Christ's sake!
I keep telling myself and reminding myself I know this happens every single freakin day to these innocent, voiceless creatures. Outrage is the least of my adjectives for this! The least! I was always taught to respect the creatures we are to eat. Treat them well and feed them well as it would be of benefit to them and the blessing of nutrition will come from it. What the hell is going on? How is it possible? Wait, I know how its possible, which will make my question moot, however, necessary to leave my lips. How is it possible that in a day and age where we are considered logical, thinking people, a modern society of human beings, is this allowed to happen? How? How? HOW! I want answers, I want action, I was justification and vindication for these animals. Why?!?!?!
I have such a hard time processing such things. Cruelty towards children, elders, animals, and the in between. So hard. As I'm sure it is for everyone else. I would hope.
I know everything cannot be solved in one day, one week, one month or even one year. But something has to be done. More people need to be made aware of this and be made aware of its effects on our bodies. And mostly, the pain these animals must feel. My tears are rolling. How many more do we have to video tape and use as examples to prove the point? How much documentation is needed to end this bullshit practice.
Eat meat if you will, thats a personal choice and I would never judge or comment on one's choices to do so. Personal choice is what life is about.
These poor animals have no choice. No choice, no voice and no where to turn. Locked up in a tiny fucking filthy cage. Whipped and kicked. There could be good argument for said abuses. You know, its just food under its skin so it doesnt really matter. Its going to grow and be slaughtered eventually so what does it matter. God created them to be eaten, so beat the shit out of them before we sell em. No one will know and nobody will even care, they're just....food. LMFAO. Not really.
No way, no how and never again will I support this industry by purchasing another piece of meat. Yeah, for my abstaining, there's another one right behind me to eat a bloody piece of meat. I love rare steak, don't get me wrong. But the last time I took a bite, all I could see was the eyes of a calf whom was saved in the middle of the street running from the slaughterhouse. Hmm. I wonder if she knew. She is now living on a farm somewhere in a New Jersey Farm.
I will never understand it. Ever! I really don't know how all life or feeling an animal has can be gone enough to beat them. Literally. I saw a man stomping, seriously stomping on the head of a calf he had thrown to the ground. Do you think it felt it? Yes indeed. Oh man. Oh boy. I don't know how much more of this disappointment in man kind I can take.
Seems like around every corner there is something to top the last one. The last disappointment. My lack of hope for human kind is so thin and frail. My lack of compassion for mankind is a struggle. Which is why I have to practice obsessively each day of my life. I constantly have to remind myself that there are many people in this industry that actually do treat them humanely. And then, I am let down again. New expose's, new terror against animals.
Today, I am struggling with the pain and the shock of seeing another animal hurt by a human being. Human beings are supposed to be rational right? Compassionate and loving. Am I wrong? Do I hold my fellow man up too high with expectations of them having some kindness in their hearts? My husband seems to think everyone is good. Born good perhaps. What they do with themselves after they leave the teet is a totally different story. I cannot believe these are actually people behaving this way. I just ccan't. Its completely unfathomable to me.
So for today, I will allow myself to feel this pain, this disappointment and release it once its worked its way out through my breathing and thoughts of enlightenment in my prayer through Christ. I pray he has sympathy for these "people." I'm not one to talk for God, I just hope this is something that can be forgiven. Innocent creatures.
I have a difficult time accepting the will of man and God's plan when I see this. I understand and see the will of man in full action before me on television and videos. I see the will of man with his abuses towards animals, people, anything that can be abused. The earth, etc. I can completely feel the will of man when I decide to be kind and love with great struggle. I can also feel the will of this woman when it comes to making decisions on whether or not I will contribute to helping that horrible will by my purchase of said products. I also understand that it all has to happen and situations unfurl and show face as God's plan is further displayed to us. Its the way of man I just cannot seem to grasp.
I wish I had the voice enough, far more than petitions or rally's to further assist in making change in this world. I would love nothing more but to have these so called people taken into custody and shown how horrible it feels. I know, I know, I know. I am displaying the same negative energy that these animals use to abuse innocent creatures with. By this expression of the need to teach and show how horrible it feels to be treated in this manner would keep me in the hole of hell I so despise.
I am amazed from time to time about the passion I feel for these causes I support. Some days apathetic due to the fact that I just cannot tolerate it anymore. I have to shut the switch off sometimes. Bt even that doesn't help. Everything i look at is a reminder of reality. A reminder of what its like to be an adult with eyes wide open and the stretch to survive in a busy and ugly world. The need to put on my rose colored glasses to make it all better for now that is needed on occasion. At times, I'd love to hide from it all. Take a break from being amongst the real world. Id love to be 5 and oblivious to all things bad and sad. All things horrifying and mortifying. What a life at 5. I also know that realistically, this is why I am an adult with choices and the ability to work towards change and resolve to said issue. I am also incredibly fortunate to have been raised with attention paid and nurturing of feelings of kindness, compassion and love. It might hurt like a son-of-a-bitch sometimes and it may be the bane of my existence, but somehow I guess its a blessing. Who knows. Only God knows, and I pray so hard for resilience. Because at times its just about crippling to witness.
I belong to The Humane Society of the United States group on facebook and am a strong supporter of this charity. Occasionally, their link pops up on my home page whenever some new expose' is released or a fund raiser, party, etc., and I usually make it a point to NOT watch the vids cause I know it will damage me more than I already am. I also am trying not to share the links, however, whats the point if I can't try to create more awareness to the ugly truth. What is the purpose?
I had, in the past, watched video of how deplorable the conditions and treatment of livestock for our own personal consumption were treated and housed. I have seen the face of those evil doers who find in necessary, for some Ungodly reason, to abuse and horrify them into submission. Or just mistreat them for their own fucked up satisfaction. This is so unacceptable. OUTRAGEOUSLY ATROCIOUS AND VOMIT JERKING!!
I am beyond angry, words, tears, trying to understand the motivation! I need help coping with this. I need help and answers on how we can treat this epidemic of cruelty. Do the factory farms go out and look for sociopaths to care for their cattle? How and why the fuck is it justifiable. I am so angry. So hurt! I can feel the pain of these creatures. WHY! I will ask that at least a billion times by the time I'm done. Do they not see the face of a being, mammal, they have a fucking parent for Christ's sake!
I keep telling myself and reminding myself I know this happens every single freakin day to these innocent, voiceless creatures. Outrage is the least of my adjectives for this! The least! I was always taught to respect the creatures we are to eat. Treat them well and feed them well as it would be of benefit to them and the blessing of nutrition will come from it. What the hell is going on? How is it possible? Wait, I know how its possible, which will make my question moot, however, necessary to leave my lips. How is it possible that in a day and age where we are considered logical, thinking people, a modern society of human beings, is this allowed to happen? How? How? HOW! I want answers, I want action, I was justification and vindication for these animals. Why?!?!?!
I have such a hard time processing such things. Cruelty towards children, elders, animals, and the in between. So hard. As I'm sure it is for everyone else. I would hope.
I know everything cannot be solved in one day, one week, one month or even one year. But something has to be done. More people need to be made aware of this and be made aware of its effects on our bodies. And mostly, the pain these animals must feel. My tears are rolling. How many more do we have to video tape and use as examples to prove the point? How much documentation is needed to end this bullshit practice.
Eat meat if you will, thats a personal choice and I would never judge or comment on one's choices to do so. Personal choice is what life is about.
These poor animals have no choice. No choice, no voice and no where to turn. Locked up in a tiny fucking filthy cage. Whipped and kicked. There could be good argument for said abuses. You know, its just food under its skin so it doesnt really matter. Its going to grow and be slaughtered eventually so what does it matter. God created them to be eaten, so beat the shit out of them before we sell em. No one will know and nobody will even care, they're just....food. LMFAO. Not really.
No way, no how and never again will I support this industry by purchasing another piece of meat. Yeah, for my abstaining, there's another one right behind me to eat a bloody piece of meat. I love rare steak, don't get me wrong. But the last time I took a bite, all I could see was the eyes of a calf whom was saved in the middle of the street running from the slaughterhouse. Hmm. I wonder if she knew. She is now living on a farm somewhere in a New Jersey Farm.
I will never understand it. Ever! I really don't know how all life or feeling an animal has can be gone enough to beat them. Literally. I saw a man stomping, seriously stomping on the head of a calf he had thrown to the ground. Do you think it felt it? Yes indeed. Oh man. Oh boy. I don't know how much more of this disappointment in man kind I can take.
Seems like around every corner there is something to top the last one. The last disappointment. My lack of hope for human kind is so thin and frail. My lack of compassion for mankind is a struggle. Which is why I have to practice obsessively each day of my life. I constantly have to remind myself that there are many people in this industry that actually do treat them humanely. And then, I am let down again. New expose's, new terror against animals.
Today, I am struggling with the pain and the shock of seeing another animal hurt by a human being. Human beings are supposed to be rational right? Compassionate and loving. Am I wrong? Do I hold my fellow man up too high with expectations of them having some kindness in their hearts? My husband seems to think everyone is good. Born good perhaps. What they do with themselves after they leave the teet is a totally different story. I cannot believe these are actually people behaving this way. I just ccan't. Its completely unfathomable to me.
So for today, I will allow myself to feel this pain, this disappointment and release it once its worked its way out through my breathing and thoughts of enlightenment in my prayer through Christ. I pray he has sympathy for these "people." I'm not one to talk for God, I just hope this is something that can be forgiven. Innocent creatures.
I have a difficult time accepting the will of man and God's plan when I see this. I understand and see the will of man in full action before me on television and videos. I see the will of man with his abuses towards animals, people, anything that can be abused. The earth, etc. I can completely feel the will of man when I decide to be kind and love with great struggle. I can also feel the will of this woman when it comes to making decisions on whether or not I will contribute to helping that horrible will by my purchase of said products. I also understand that it all has to happen and situations unfurl and show face as God's plan is further displayed to us. Its the way of man I just cannot seem to grasp.
I wish I had the voice enough, far more than petitions or rally's to further assist in making change in this world. I would love nothing more but to have these so called people taken into custody and shown how horrible it feels. I know, I know, I know. I am displaying the same negative energy that these animals use to abuse innocent creatures with. By this expression of the need to teach and show how horrible it feels to be treated in this manner would keep me in the hole of hell I so despise.
I am amazed from time to time about the passion I feel for these causes I support. Some days apathetic due to the fact that I just cannot tolerate it anymore. I have to shut the switch off sometimes. Bt even that doesn't help. Everything i look at is a reminder of reality. A reminder of what its like to be an adult with eyes wide open and the stretch to survive in a busy and ugly world. The need to put on my rose colored glasses to make it all better for now that is needed on occasion. At times, I'd love to hide from it all. Take a break from being amongst the real world. Id love to be 5 and oblivious to all things bad and sad. All things horrifying and mortifying. What a life at 5. I also know that realistically, this is why I am an adult with choices and the ability to work towards change and resolve to said issue. I am also incredibly fortunate to have been raised with attention paid and nurturing of feelings of kindness, compassion and love. It might hurt like a son-of-a-bitch sometimes and it may be the bane of my existence, but somehow I guess its a blessing. Who knows. Only God knows, and I pray so hard for resilience. Because at times its just about crippling to witness.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
WOW. First good day....
I like to think when i wake up every morning that life is going to be great, beter than yesterday and far better than the past life. and it is, and it will be, until i'm slammed with the reality of who my friends really are, recent losses and pain.
The beginning of this month, hell, this year has been eventful in many different ways. Splitting my head open, busting up my left leg, then busting it up again, falling down stairs, lol and last but not least, 2 people who meant a lot throughout the travels of my life. the first was carlos
carlos was sudden and shocking. i miss him so much. someone posted a picture and the pain came back. that said, along the last several years, carlos' whereabouts has been a mystery to me naturally. i was no longer working in the office and he was let go at thr and never to be heard form again. or so it seemed. i wish i never knew the reality and who knew very well he was still working within the same walls as before.
on many occasion i had requested a message be taken to him. asked how, where, and if he's ok. i would get no answer or just plain have my requests go into cyber space, telephone vortex or unnoticed. so you could only imagine the pain i had learning he was, indeed, working in the same building with the very same people i call my extended family. at least before this information was relayed to me.
i have much resentment towards said party. he and she have let me down like no other. its like a stab in the heart. i've been told that it can go either way, my fault or their fault. but nonetheless, ultimately my responsibility...how?
i had known in the past that these two people in my life were unreliable and undependable. which, as you can tell, has gotten me nowhere but hurt. the failure to follow through on promises, nurturing the friendship and responding to kindly invitations and a welcoming home. i gave and gave of my heart. i give my friends myself and my happiness. thats what friends are for in our lives. companions to share life's adventures. am i wrong? did i miss the memo prior to birth advising one to be careful with whom i make friends with? or not to let my feelings become part of your friendships, relationships, etc.
it all started so long ago. its almost as though i had been set up atop a whirlpool of perpetual disappointment with life, friends, and family. i don't get it. Kindergarte, 1st grade, 3rd grade, 6th grade and all of junior high. friends who used me like a little doll. i was the stand in, understudy if you will. tammy was the go to girl should kim or anyone else could not make it to disneyland or the park. and when we became horribly impoverished, oh boy did that end up really cute. i never asked for anything, hand outs, free stuff, borrow clothes or pretty things. of course, as young girls we would share make-up and fashion jewelry, fun stuff. i always made it a point to not make it a big issue or seem as though i was "poor." poor indeed. until the day i had to go to school with a giant white patch on the back of my beautiful eastern indian style dress. not to mention the moccasins with the holes on the bottom. not pretty and not fun. but im not here to feel sorry about myself. i'm here to spew the disappointment about the people i called friends.
everyone likes to say they were broke, poor, financial dire straits. no money to buy those expensive pants for the first day of school or those awesome cherokee wedgies i had saved every single penny i made baby sitting. everyone had covergirl make up, love's baby soft perfume and the piece de resistance, chemin de fer jeans. my oh my. i also couldnt wear those because of other reasons mom gave. anyway......you know you're poor when its a big deal to eat ground beef or even hot dogs, not forgetting one of the cheapest things on earth, beans.
my days of being open hearted to people seems to be closing quickly and readily. it seems as though i cannot trust anyone or depend on anyone to be there for me. not one single person. im not even sure about my therapist. lol, laugh you might, its just one of those things. needless to say, i am slowly becoming one of those people with trust issues, again. yep, ive been down this road. and again i wonder if i were set up this way. you know, "she's not really your friend, she's using you." kind of things.
i remember throughout my entire childhood, i was always reminded of 1. i am overweight, which at that time i was prepubescent and added the extra 11 pounds so my hips and boobies could fill in. 2. we're broke and girls don't play in a band. 3. all of my friends were using me, and 4. i needed to baby sit my sister. fun. with this in mind, i wonder if it did set up the disappointment from others? im sure it did. call it self fulfilling prophecy i guess? call it living out my parent's negativity? we pay for the sins of our fathers? who the hell knows.
sometimes i wish i were made of stone. if i were made of stone i would be resilient to this feeling of being let down. i would be able to handle the words that are shared by siblings that are completely unfair for me to hear. i would get validation from the ground, birds would sit and poop on me, and thats just fine, cause im a rock. i would live in the sun, rain and snow. exude no emissions other than your every day rock.
really, is it so wrong for me to want a friend to depend on? someone i can call and just freak out on the phone or meet for lunch for unconditional conversation? is that possible? is it possible to have friends who actually have my best interest in mind with regards to said tragedies and good times. i know and know that i know that god is the only one i can ultimately depend and trust. he is my way, the truth and the light. and through him all things are possible as well as his being in control of this path i am headed down. its an unknown realm, this path. i'm not sure i like it much anymore as of today. hmmm.
perhaps in time god will have the friend i need, other than my husband. someone outside of my family and someone who just wants to talk politics, racial issues, the condition of my vegetables. something simple like that. someone who will tell me that my dear friend carlos was working right next to them, in the same building, up until the days before he died. that would be wonderful.
i know you cant bring back what is gone, however, i can't go back to say goodbye.
The beginning of this month, hell, this year has been eventful in many different ways. Splitting my head open, busting up my left leg, then busting it up again, falling down stairs, lol and last but not least, 2 people who meant a lot throughout the travels of my life. the first was carlos
carlos was sudden and shocking. i miss him so much. someone posted a picture and the pain came back. that said, along the last several years, carlos' whereabouts has been a mystery to me naturally. i was no longer working in the office and he was let go at thr and never to be heard form again. or so it seemed. i wish i never knew the reality and who knew very well he was still working within the same walls as before.
on many occasion i had requested a message be taken to him. asked how, where, and if he's ok. i would get no answer or just plain have my requests go into cyber space, telephone vortex or unnoticed. so you could only imagine the pain i had learning he was, indeed, working in the same building with the very same people i call my extended family. at least before this information was relayed to me.
i have much resentment towards said party. he and she have let me down like no other. its like a stab in the heart. i've been told that it can go either way, my fault or their fault. but nonetheless, ultimately my responsibility...how?
i had known in the past that these two people in my life were unreliable and undependable. which, as you can tell, has gotten me nowhere but hurt. the failure to follow through on promises, nurturing the friendship and responding to kindly invitations and a welcoming home. i gave and gave of my heart. i give my friends myself and my happiness. thats what friends are for in our lives. companions to share life's adventures. am i wrong? did i miss the memo prior to birth advising one to be careful with whom i make friends with? or not to let my feelings become part of your friendships, relationships, etc.
it all started so long ago. its almost as though i had been set up atop a whirlpool of perpetual disappointment with life, friends, and family. i don't get it. Kindergarte, 1st grade, 3rd grade, 6th grade and all of junior high. friends who used me like a little doll. i was the stand in, understudy if you will. tammy was the go to girl should kim or anyone else could not make it to disneyland or the park. and when we became horribly impoverished, oh boy did that end up really cute. i never asked for anything, hand outs, free stuff, borrow clothes or pretty things. of course, as young girls we would share make-up and fashion jewelry, fun stuff. i always made it a point to not make it a big issue or seem as though i was "poor." poor indeed. until the day i had to go to school with a giant white patch on the back of my beautiful eastern indian style dress. not to mention the moccasins with the holes on the bottom. not pretty and not fun. but im not here to feel sorry about myself. i'm here to spew the disappointment about the people i called friends.
everyone likes to say they were broke, poor, financial dire straits. no money to buy those expensive pants for the first day of school or those awesome cherokee wedgies i had saved every single penny i made baby sitting. everyone had covergirl make up, love's baby soft perfume and the piece de resistance, chemin de fer jeans. my oh my. i also couldnt wear those because of other reasons mom gave. anyway......you know you're poor when its a big deal to eat ground beef or even hot dogs, not forgetting one of the cheapest things on earth, beans.
my days of being open hearted to people seems to be closing quickly and readily. it seems as though i cannot trust anyone or depend on anyone to be there for me. not one single person. im not even sure about my therapist. lol, laugh you might, its just one of those things. needless to say, i am slowly becoming one of those people with trust issues, again. yep, ive been down this road. and again i wonder if i were set up this way. you know, "she's not really your friend, she's using you." kind of things.
i remember throughout my entire childhood, i was always reminded of 1. i am overweight, which at that time i was prepubescent and added the extra 11 pounds so my hips and boobies could fill in. 2. we're broke and girls don't play in a band. 3. all of my friends were using me, and 4. i needed to baby sit my sister. fun. with this in mind, i wonder if it did set up the disappointment from others? im sure it did. call it self fulfilling prophecy i guess? call it living out my parent's negativity? we pay for the sins of our fathers? who the hell knows.
sometimes i wish i were made of stone. if i were made of stone i would be resilient to this feeling of being let down. i would be able to handle the words that are shared by siblings that are completely unfair for me to hear. i would get validation from the ground, birds would sit and poop on me, and thats just fine, cause im a rock. i would live in the sun, rain and snow. exude no emissions other than your every day rock.
really, is it so wrong for me to want a friend to depend on? someone i can call and just freak out on the phone or meet for lunch for unconditional conversation? is that possible? is it possible to have friends who actually have my best interest in mind with regards to said tragedies and good times. i know and know that i know that god is the only one i can ultimately depend and trust. he is my way, the truth and the light. and through him all things are possible as well as his being in control of this path i am headed down. its an unknown realm, this path. i'm not sure i like it much anymore as of today. hmmm.
perhaps in time god will have the friend i need, other than my husband. someone outside of my family and someone who just wants to talk politics, racial issues, the condition of my vegetables. something simple like that. someone who will tell me that my dear friend carlos was working right next to them, in the same building, up until the days before he died. that would be wonderful.
i know you cant bring back what is gone, however, i can't go back to say goodbye.
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