Quite often, I heard stories about animal cruelty, cruelty to the animals that are farmed for our consumption and to provide us meat, milk and other dairy products. At this point and time in my life, I never though I would see video or read information about how horrible it is. I mean, I was aware, but never mature enough to really see the truth. Not that anyone else isn't mature enough, I mean by way of my own mental capacity.
I belong to The Humane Society of the United States group on facebook and am a strong supporter of this charity. Occasionally, their link pops up on my home page whenever some new expose' is released or a fund raiser, party, etc., and I usually make it a point to NOT watch the vids cause I know it will damage me more than I already am. I also am trying not to share the links, however, whats the point if I can't try to create more awareness to the ugly truth. What is the purpose?
I had, in the past, watched video of how deplorable the conditions and treatment of livestock for our own personal consumption were treated and housed. I have seen the face of those evil doers who find in necessary, for some Ungodly reason, to abuse and horrify them into submission. Or just mistreat them for their own fucked up satisfaction. This is so unacceptable. OUTRAGEOUSLY ATROCIOUS AND VOMIT JERKING!!
I am beyond angry, words, tears, trying to understand the motivation! I need help coping with this. I need help and answers on how we can treat this epidemic of cruelty. Do the factory farms go out and look for sociopaths to care for their cattle? How and why the fuck is it justifiable. I am so angry. So hurt! I can feel the pain of these creatures. WHY! I will ask that at least a billion times by the time I'm done. Do they not see the face of a being, mammal, they have a fucking parent for Christ's sake!
I keep telling myself and reminding myself I know this happens every single freakin day to these innocent, voiceless creatures. Outrage is the least of my adjectives for this! The least! I was always taught to respect the creatures we are to eat. Treat them well and feed them well as it would be of benefit to them and the blessing of nutrition will come from it. What the hell is going on? How is it possible? Wait, I know how its possible, which will make my question moot, however, necessary to leave my lips. How is it possible that in a day and age where we are considered logical, thinking people, a modern society of human beings, is this allowed to happen? How? How? HOW! I want answers, I want action, I was justification and vindication for these animals. Why?!?!?!
I have such a hard time processing such things. Cruelty towards children, elders, animals, and the in between. So hard. As I'm sure it is for everyone else. I would hope.
I know everything cannot be solved in one day, one week, one month or even one year. But something has to be done. More people need to be made aware of this and be made aware of its effects on our bodies. And mostly, the pain these animals must feel. My tears are rolling. How many more do we have to video tape and use as examples to prove the point? How much documentation is needed to end this bullshit practice.
Eat meat if you will, thats a personal choice and I would never judge or comment on one's choices to do so. Personal choice is what life is about.
These poor animals have no choice. No choice, no voice and no where to turn. Locked up in a tiny fucking filthy cage. Whipped and kicked. There could be good argument for said abuses. You know, its just food under its skin so it doesnt really matter. Its going to grow and be slaughtered eventually so what does it matter. God created them to be eaten, so beat the shit out of them before we sell em. No one will know and nobody will even care, they're just....food. LMFAO. Not really.
No way, no how and never again will I support this industry by purchasing another piece of meat. Yeah, for my abstaining, there's another one right behind me to eat a bloody piece of meat. I love rare steak, don't get me wrong. But the last time I took a bite, all I could see was the eyes of a calf whom was saved in the middle of the street running from the slaughterhouse. Hmm. I wonder if she knew. She is now living on a farm somewhere in a New Jersey Farm.
I will never understand it. Ever! I really don't know how all life or feeling an animal has can be gone enough to beat them. Literally. I saw a man stomping, seriously stomping on the head of a calf he had thrown to the ground. Do you think it felt it? Yes indeed. Oh man. Oh boy. I don't know how much more of this disappointment in man kind I can take.
Seems like around every corner there is something to top the last one. The last disappointment. My lack of hope for human kind is so thin and frail. My lack of compassion for mankind is a struggle. Which is why I have to practice obsessively each day of my life. I constantly have to remind myself that there are many people in this industry that actually do treat them humanely. And then, I am let down again. New expose's, new terror against animals.
Today, I am struggling with the pain and the shock of seeing another animal hurt by a human being. Human beings are supposed to be rational right? Compassionate and loving. Am I wrong? Do I hold my fellow man up too high with expectations of them having some kindness in their hearts? My husband seems to think everyone is good. Born good perhaps. What they do with themselves after they leave the teet is a totally different story. I cannot believe these are actually people behaving this way. I just ccan't. Its completely unfathomable to me.
So for today, I will allow myself to feel this pain, this disappointment and release it once its worked its way out through my breathing and thoughts of enlightenment in my prayer through Christ. I pray he has sympathy for these "people." I'm not one to talk for God, I just hope this is something that can be forgiven. Innocent creatures.
I have a difficult time accepting the will of man and God's plan when I see this. I understand and see the will of man in full action before me on television and videos. I see the will of man with his abuses towards animals, people, anything that can be abused. The earth, etc. I can completely feel the will of man when I decide to be kind and love with great struggle. I can also feel the will of this woman when it comes to making decisions on whether or not I will contribute to helping that horrible will by my purchase of said products. I also understand that it all has to happen and situations unfurl and show face as God's plan is further displayed to us. Its the way of man I just cannot seem to grasp.
I wish I had the voice enough, far more than petitions or rally's to further assist in making change in this world. I would love nothing more but to have these so called people taken into custody and shown how horrible it feels. I know, I know, I know. I am displaying the same negative energy that these animals use to abuse innocent creatures with. By this expression of the need to teach and show how horrible it feels to be treated in this manner would keep me in the hole of hell I so despise.
I am amazed from time to time about the passion I feel for these causes I support. Some days apathetic due to the fact that I just cannot tolerate it anymore. I have to shut the switch off sometimes. Bt even that doesn't help. Everything i look at is a reminder of reality. A reminder of what its like to be an adult with eyes wide open and the stretch to survive in a busy and ugly world. The need to put on my rose colored glasses to make it all better for now that is needed on occasion. At times, I'd love to hide from it all. Take a break from being amongst the real world. Id love to be 5 and oblivious to all things bad and sad. All things horrifying and mortifying. What a life at 5. I also know that realistically, this is why I am an adult with choices and the ability to work towards change and resolve to said issue. I am also incredibly fortunate to have been raised with attention paid and nurturing of feelings of kindness, compassion and love. It might hurt like a son-of-a-bitch sometimes and it may be the bane of my existence, but somehow I guess its a blessing. Who knows. Only God knows, and I pray so hard for resilience. Because at times its just about crippling to witness.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Thursday, May 20, 2010
WOW. First good day....
I like to think when i wake up every morning that life is going to be great, beter than yesterday and far better than the past life. and it is, and it will be, until i'm slammed with the reality of who my friends really are, recent losses and pain.
The beginning of this month, hell, this year has been eventful in many different ways. Splitting my head open, busting up my left leg, then busting it up again, falling down stairs, lol and last but not least, 2 people who meant a lot throughout the travels of my life. the first was carlos
carlos was sudden and shocking. i miss him so much. someone posted a picture and the pain came back. that said, along the last several years, carlos' whereabouts has been a mystery to me naturally. i was no longer working in the office and he was let go at thr and never to be heard form again. or so it seemed. i wish i never knew the reality and who knew very well he was still working within the same walls as before.
on many occasion i had requested a message be taken to him. asked how, where, and if he's ok. i would get no answer or just plain have my requests go into cyber space, telephone vortex or unnoticed. so you could only imagine the pain i had learning he was, indeed, working in the same building with the very same people i call my extended family. at least before this information was relayed to me.
i have much resentment towards said party. he and she have let me down like no other. its like a stab in the heart. i've been told that it can go either way, my fault or their fault. but nonetheless, ultimately my responsibility...how?
i had known in the past that these two people in my life were unreliable and undependable. which, as you can tell, has gotten me nowhere but hurt. the failure to follow through on promises, nurturing the friendship and responding to kindly invitations and a welcoming home. i gave and gave of my heart. i give my friends myself and my happiness. thats what friends are for in our lives. companions to share life's adventures. am i wrong? did i miss the memo prior to birth advising one to be careful with whom i make friends with? or not to let my feelings become part of your friendships, relationships, etc.
it all started so long ago. its almost as though i had been set up atop a whirlpool of perpetual disappointment with life, friends, and family. i don't get it. Kindergarte, 1st grade, 3rd grade, 6th grade and all of junior high. friends who used me like a little doll. i was the stand in, understudy if you will. tammy was the go to girl should kim or anyone else could not make it to disneyland or the park. and when we became horribly impoverished, oh boy did that end up really cute. i never asked for anything, hand outs, free stuff, borrow clothes or pretty things. of course, as young girls we would share make-up and fashion jewelry, fun stuff. i always made it a point to not make it a big issue or seem as though i was "poor." poor indeed. until the day i had to go to school with a giant white patch on the back of my beautiful eastern indian style dress. not to mention the moccasins with the holes on the bottom. not pretty and not fun. but im not here to feel sorry about myself. i'm here to spew the disappointment about the people i called friends.
everyone likes to say they were broke, poor, financial dire straits. no money to buy those expensive pants for the first day of school or those awesome cherokee wedgies i had saved every single penny i made baby sitting. everyone had covergirl make up, love's baby soft perfume and the piece de resistance, chemin de fer jeans. my oh my. i also couldnt wear those because of other reasons mom gave. anyway......you know you're poor when its a big deal to eat ground beef or even hot dogs, not forgetting one of the cheapest things on earth, beans.
my days of being open hearted to people seems to be closing quickly and readily. it seems as though i cannot trust anyone or depend on anyone to be there for me. not one single person. im not even sure about my therapist. lol, laugh you might, its just one of those things. needless to say, i am slowly becoming one of those people with trust issues, again. yep, ive been down this road. and again i wonder if i were set up this way. you know, "she's not really your friend, she's using you." kind of things.
i remember throughout my entire childhood, i was always reminded of 1. i am overweight, which at that time i was prepubescent and added the extra 11 pounds so my hips and boobies could fill in. 2. we're broke and girls don't play in a band. 3. all of my friends were using me, and 4. i needed to baby sit my sister. fun. with this in mind, i wonder if it did set up the disappointment from others? im sure it did. call it self fulfilling prophecy i guess? call it living out my parent's negativity? we pay for the sins of our fathers? who the hell knows.
sometimes i wish i were made of stone. if i were made of stone i would be resilient to this feeling of being let down. i would be able to handle the words that are shared by siblings that are completely unfair for me to hear. i would get validation from the ground, birds would sit and poop on me, and thats just fine, cause im a rock. i would live in the sun, rain and snow. exude no emissions other than your every day rock.
really, is it so wrong for me to want a friend to depend on? someone i can call and just freak out on the phone or meet for lunch for unconditional conversation? is that possible? is it possible to have friends who actually have my best interest in mind with regards to said tragedies and good times. i know and know that i know that god is the only one i can ultimately depend and trust. he is my way, the truth and the light. and through him all things are possible as well as his being in control of this path i am headed down. its an unknown realm, this path. i'm not sure i like it much anymore as of today. hmmm.
perhaps in time god will have the friend i need, other than my husband. someone outside of my family and someone who just wants to talk politics, racial issues, the condition of my vegetables. something simple like that. someone who will tell me that my dear friend carlos was working right next to them, in the same building, up until the days before he died. that would be wonderful.
i know you cant bring back what is gone, however, i can't go back to say goodbye.
The beginning of this month, hell, this year has been eventful in many different ways. Splitting my head open, busting up my left leg, then busting it up again, falling down stairs, lol and last but not least, 2 people who meant a lot throughout the travels of my life. the first was carlos
carlos was sudden and shocking. i miss him so much. someone posted a picture and the pain came back. that said, along the last several years, carlos' whereabouts has been a mystery to me naturally. i was no longer working in the office and he was let go at thr and never to be heard form again. or so it seemed. i wish i never knew the reality and who knew very well he was still working within the same walls as before.
on many occasion i had requested a message be taken to him. asked how, where, and if he's ok. i would get no answer or just plain have my requests go into cyber space, telephone vortex or unnoticed. so you could only imagine the pain i had learning he was, indeed, working in the same building with the very same people i call my extended family. at least before this information was relayed to me.
i have much resentment towards said party. he and she have let me down like no other. its like a stab in the heart. i've been told that it can go either way, my fault or their fault. but nonetheless, ultimately my responsibility...how?
i had known in the past that these two people in my life were unreliable and undependable. which, as you can tell, has gotten me nowhere but hurt. the failure to follow through on promises, nurturing the friendship and responding to kindly invitations and a welcoming home. i gave and gave of my heart. i give my friends myself and my happiness. thats what friends are for in our lives. companions to share life's adventures. am i wrong? did i miss the memo prior to birth advising one to be careful with whom i make friends with? or not to let my feelings become part of your friendships, relationships, etc.
it all started so long ago. its almost as though i had been set up atop a whirlpool of perpetual disappointment with life, friends, and family. i don't get it. Kindergarte, 1st grade, 3rd grade, 6th grade and all of junior high. friends who used me like a little doll. i was the stand in, understudy if you will. tammy was the go to girl should kim or anyone else could not make it to disneyland or the park. and when we became horribly impoverished, oh boy did that end up really cute. i never asked for anything, hand outs, free stuff, borrow clothes or pretty things. of course, as young girls we would share make-up and fashion jewelry, fun stuff. i always made it a point to not make it a big issue or seem as though i was "poor." poor indeed. until the day i had to go to school with a giant white patch on the back of my beautiful eastern indian style dress. not to mention the moccasins with the holes on the bottom. not pretty and not fun. but im not here to feel sorry about myself. i'm here to spew the disappointment about the people i called friends.
everyone likes to say they were broke, poor, financial dire straits. no money to buy those expensive pants for the first day of school or those awesome cherokee wedgies i had saved every single penny i made baby sitting. everyone had covergirl make up, love's baby soft perfume and the piece de resistance, chemin de fer jeans. my oh my. i also couldnt wear those because of other reasons mom gave. anyway......you know you're poor when its a big deal to eat ground beef or even hot dogs, not forgetting one of the cheapest things on earth, beans.
my days of being open hearted to people seems to be closing quickly and readily. it seems as though i cannot trust anyone or depend on anyone to be there for me. not one single person. im not even sure about my therapist. lol, laugh you might, its just one of those things. needless to say, i am slowly becoming one of those people with trust issues, again. yep, ive been down this road. and again i wonder if i were set up this way. you know, "she's not really your friend, she's using you." kind of things.
i remember throughout my entire childhood, i was always reminded of 1. i am overweight, which at that time i was prepubescent and added the extra 11 pounds so my hips and boobies could fill in. 2. we're broke and girls don't play in a band. 3. all of my friends were using me, and 4. i needed to baby sit my sister. fun. with this in mind, i wonder if it did set up the disappointment from others? im sure it did. call it self fulfilling prophecy i guess? call it living out my parent's negativity? we pay for the sins of our fathers? who the hell knows.
sometimes i wish i were made of stone. if i were made of stone i would be resilient to this feeling of being let down. i would be able to handle the words that are shared by siblings that are completely unfair for me to hear. i would get validation from the ground, birds would sit and poop on me, and thats just fine, cause im a rock. i would live in the sun, rain and snow. exude no emissions other than your every day rock.
really, is it so wrong for me to want a friend to depend on? someone i can call and just freak out on the phone or meet for lunch for unconditional conversation? is that possible? is it possible to have friends who actually have my best interest in mind with regards to said tragedies and good times. i know and know that i know that god is the only one i can ultimately depend and trust. he is my way, the truth and the light. and through him all things are possible as well as his being in control of this path i am headed down. its an unknown realm, this path. i'm not sure i like it much anymore as of today. hmmm.
perhaps in time god will have the friend i need, other than my husband. someone outside of my family and someone who just wants to talk politics, racial issues, the condition of my vegetables. something simple like that. someone who will tell me that my dear friend carlos was working right next to them, in the same building, up until the days before he died. that would be wonderful.
i know you cant bring back what is gone, however, i can't go back to say goodbye.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
I woke up today wondering if all of this struggle for personal enlightenment, life in general and trying to find inner peace and happiness is futile. This uphill climb with 50# weights on each foot. Or so it seems. Its a struggle I'm tired of. I know life is like this in general and perhaps I am not one for this life. Human life. Although, I do not take it for granted or wish for death, I merely wish for there to be a positive thing to happen after what seems like an emotional whirlwind of confusion, yet again.
I find many life experiences that seem normal to everyone, completely overwhelming and screaming, running, crying in hysterics will be the only cure. Problem is, I don't have a safe place to do such thing. I practice what calms me and helps me out of the odd cloud and it just doesn't work this week. Its hiding somewhere.
Last Thursday, a very dear friend passed away as a sad result of pancreatic cancer. I had been aching to talk to him as we worked together and became incredible friends. He was like a father to me. Strange, I know, however, real. He was like that for a lot of people, come to find out. Carlos was a wonderful happy and kind man. He loved to share joy whenever possible. He was wise and helped me through a lot in my life while we were working together. Unfortunately, due to the day from hell, I left work abruptly and never saw him again. Attempted to make contact, but people I request help me and let him know i left him a voice mail or email never followed through for me. This leaves me and left me resentful and sadly disrespected. Sadly. I weep. And I find myself going through the cycles of grief. I never thought I would feel this way again for a very long time.
In the meantime, I've been kept busy dating my husband and doing fun things. Chicago on Weds., Peter Gabriel on Friday and a ball game on Saturday. It has been a deal of fun. Although, the last couple of days, the grief is catching up with me and I am feeling horrible. I just want to be alone and miss him in private and sulk for a day or two. I need my space more than ever.
I realize I've complained about my Mom in the last couple of blogs and it only seems to be increasingly becoming bigger and bigger. Confusingly on Mother's Day.
It seems as though I am now under the curtain of being as pc as possible and not eat meat cause its the trendy thing to do. I am so insulted. I forgot to mention that I can no longer eat meat as I have seen and read too much information on how our food is raised and mistreated. I am devastated even moreso now that I have actually grown in the department of compassion and kindness. THIS is not understood. Nor is my need for meditation and healthy living. I am also being critisized for slowly dumping poisons from my cupboards and refrigerator. What is wrong with this picture? Really. Am I rotten for making positive change?
We ate Mother's day dinner at an amazing bbq restaurant called Lucille's, oddly. I ordered vegetarian food with the exception of dairy. Portabello mushroom burger with sweet potatoes, baked beans and little potato salad for the delicious flavor of homemade potato salad. As we order in line, mom is next. "I would to have meat. I eat meat, unlike my daughter." I'm left in awe and cannot believe what I just heard. What the FUCKK? So of course I have to say something while Tom, my brother, is ordering his food. I ask my Mom, "It really bothers you that much that I don't want to eat red meat huh. It really, really bothers you enough to make an announcement like that huh?" She denies, then I hear my brother order. "Well, let's see what is the most vegetarian on the menu. Hmm. I'll have a bowl of fresh veggies, with no meat, more rolls, with no meat and the ribs, but pull off the meat." What the hell people. I tell him the same and he tries to say the same as Mom.
It seems as though there is a trend with those two. My sister doesn't give a shit or she's just not saying anything. As a matter of fact, I do believe she is more towards the vegan than she is a carnivore these days. maybe she has some respect for my pursuit of a clean life.
As I allowed myself to think back, I'm feeling more and more disrespected for my life choices than normal. I am no longer the mold they thought they made me from. I am polar opposite of living with one's anger and hatred and work hard at forgiveness and cleaning up my spiritual being as well. I know I should nto hold onto this feeling. The feeling of resentment and being trapped. I know I'm an adult, 43, lived a hard emotionally dysfunctional life. I am recovered and there are pitfalls and triggers for a set back. But c'mon, wouldn't a parent be proud of their child being an independent thinker? Wanting a better life not just on the surface but inside as well? I would think so too.
I guess its safe to assume the idea of being respected by family is unrealistic. The only person i can count is me and my supportive husband who would like to follow suit. Why is it seen as unusual to deny red meat, enlightenment, meditation through Christ? Why am I always questioned? Why am I always doubted and not supported. Since the beginning of my cognitive years do I remember being supported for much. Needless to say, I'm over it and will have to turn the other way and love them from a distance. Now that's sad.
I find many life experiences that seem normal to everyone, completely overwhelming and screaming, running, crying in hysterics will be the only cure. Problem is, I don't have a safe place to do such thing. I practice what calms me and helps me out of the odd cloud and it just doesn't work this week. Its hiding somewhere.
Last Thursday, a very dear friend passed away as a sad result of pancreatic cancer. I had been aching to talk to him as we worked together and became incredible friends. He was like a father to me. Strange, I know, however, real. He was like that for a lot of people, come to find out. Carlos was a wonderful happy and kind man. He loved to share joy whenever possible. He was wise and helped me through a lot in my life while we were working together. Unfortunately, due to the day from hell, I left work abruptly and never saw him again. Attempted to make contact, but people I request help me and let him know i left him a voice mail or email never followed through for me. This leaves me and left me resentful and sadly disrespected. Sadly. I weep. And I find myself going through the cycles of grief. I never thought I would feel this way again for a very long time.
In the meantime, I've been kept busy dating my husband and doing fun things. Chicago on Weds., Peter Gabriel on Friday and a ball game on Saturday. It has been a deal of fun. Although, the last couple of days, the grief is catching up with me and I am feeling horrible. I just want to be alone and miss him in private and sulk for a day or two. I need my space more than ever.
I realize I've complained about my Mom in the last couple of blogs and it only seems to be increasingly becoming bigger and bigger. Confusingly on Mother's Day.
It seems as though I am now under the curtain of being as pc as possible and not eat meat cause its the trendy thing to do. I am so insulted. I forgot to mention that I can no longer eat meat as I have seen and read too much information on how our food is raised and mistreated. I am devastated even moreso now that I have actually grown in the department of compassion and kindness. THIS is not understood. Nor is my need for meditation and healthy living. I am also being critisized for slowly dumping poisons from my cupboards and refrigerator. What is wrong with this picture? Really. Am I rotten for making positive change?
We ate Mother's day dinner at an amazing bbq restaurant called Lucille's, oddly. I ordered vegetarian food with the exception of dairy. Portabello mushroom burger with sweet potatoes, baked beans and little potato salad for the delicious flavor of homemade potato salad. As we order in line, mom is next. "I would to have meat. I eat meat, unlike my daughter." I'm left in awe and cannot believe what I just heard. What the FUCKK? So of course I have to say something while Tom, my brother, is ordering his food. I ask my Mom, "It really bothers you that much that I don't want to eat red meat huh. It really, really bothers you enough to make an announcement like that huh?" She denies, then I hear my brother order. "Well, let's see what is the most vegetarian on the menu. Hmm. I'll have a bowl of fresh veggies, with no meat, more rolls, with no meat and the ribs, but pull off the meat." What the hell people. I tell him the same and he tries to say the same as Mom.
It seems as though there is a trend with those two. My sister doesn't give a shit or she's just not saying anything. As a matter of fact, I do believe she is more towards the vegan than she is a carnivore these days. maybe she has some respect for my pursuit of a clean life.
As I allowed myself to think back, I'm feeling more and more disrespected for my life choices than normal. I am no longer the mold they thought they made me from. I am polar opposite of living with one's anger and hatred and work hard at forgiveness and cleaning up my spiritual being as well. I know I should nto hold onto this feeling. The feeling of resentment and being trapped. I know I'm an adult, 43, lived a hard emotionally dysfunctional life. I am recovered and there are pitfalls and triggers for a set back. But c'mon, wouldn't a parent be proud of their child being an independent thinker? Wanting a better life not just on the surface but inside as well? I would think so too.
I guess its safe to assume the idea of being respected by family is unrealistic. The only person i can count is me and my supportive husband who would like to follow suit. Why is it seen as unusual to deny red meat, enlightenment, meditation through Christ? Why am I always questioned? Why am I always doubted and not supported. Since the beginning of my cognitive years do I remember being supported for much. Needless to say, I'm over it and will have to turn the other way and love them from a distance. Now that's sad.
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