I woke up today wondering if all of this struggle for personal enlightenment, life in general and trying to find inner peace and happiness is futile. This uphill climb with 50# weights on each foot. Or so it seems. Its a struggle I'm tired of. I know life is like this in general and perhaps I am not one for this life. Human life. Although, I do not take it for granted or wish for death, I merely wish for there to be a positive thing to happen after what seems like an emotional whirlwind of confusion, yet again.

I find many life experiences that seem normal to everyone, completely overwhelming and screaming, running, crying in hysterics will be the only cure. Problem is, I don't have a safe place to do such thing. I practice what calms me and helps me out of the odd cloud and it just doesn't work this week. Its hiding somewhere.

Last Thursday, a very dear friend passed away as a sad result of pancreatic cancer. I had been aching to talk to him as we worked together and became incredible friends. He was like a father to me. Strange, I know, however, real. He was like that for a lot of people, come to find out. Carlos was a wonderful happy and kind man. He loved to share joy whenever possible. He was wise and helped me through a lot in my life while we were working together. Unfortunately, due to the day from hell, I left work abruptly and never saw him again. Attempted to make contact, but people I request help me and let him know i left him a voice mail or email never followed through for me. This leaves me and left me resentful and sadly disrespected. Sadly. I weep. And I find myself going through the cycles of grief. I never thought I would feel this way again for a very long time.

In the meantime, I've been kept busy dating my husband and doing fun things. Chicago on Weds., Peter Gabriel on Friday and a ball game on Saturday. It has been a deal of fun. Although, the last couple of days, the grief is catching up with me and I am feeling horrible. I just want to be alone and miss him in private and sulk for a day or two. I need my space more than ever.

I realize I've complained about my Mom in the last couple of blogs and it only seems to be increasingly becoming bigger and bigger. Confusingly on Mother's Day.

It seems as though I am now under the curtain of being as pc as possible and not eat meat cause its the trendy thing to do. I am so insulted. I forgot to mention that I can no longer eat meat as I have seen and read too much information on how our food is raised and mistreated. I am devastated even moreso now that I have actually grown in the department of compassion and kindness. THIS is not understood. Nor is my need for meditation and healthy living. I am also being critisized for slowly dumping poisons from my cupboards and refrigerator. What is wrong with this picture? Really. Am I rotten for making positive change?

We ate Mother's day dinner at an amazing bbq restaurant called Lucille's, oddly. I ordered vegetarian food with the exception of dairy. Portabello mushroom burger with sweet potatoes, baked beans and little potato salad for the delicious flavor of homemade potato salad. As we order in line, mom is next. "I would to have meat. I eat meat, unlike my daughter." I'm left in awe and cannot believe what I just heard. What the FUCKK? So of course I have to say something while Tom, my brother, is ordering his food. I ask my Mom, "It really bothers you that much that I don't want to eat red meat huh. It really, really bothers you enough to make an announcement like that huh?" She denies, then I hear my brother order. "Well, let's see what is the most vegetarian on the menu. Hmm. I'll have a bowl of fresh veggies, with no meat, more rolls, with no meat and the ribs, but pull off the meat." What the hell people. I tell him the same and he tries to say the same as Mom.

It seems as though there is a trend with those two. My sister doesn't give a shit or she's just not saying anything. As a matter of fact, I do believe she is more towards the vegan than she is a carnivore these days. maybe she has some respect for my pursuit of a clean life.

As I allowed myself to think back, I'm feeling more and more disrespected for my life choices than normal. I am no longer the mold they thought they made me from. I am polar opposite of living with one's anger and hatred and work hard at forgiveness and cleaning up my spiritual being as well. I know I should nto hold onto this feeling. The feeling of resentment and being trapped. I know I'm an adult, 43, lived a hard emotionally dysfunctional life. I am recovered and there are pitfalls and triggers for a set back. But c'mon, wouldn't a parent be proud of their child being an independent thinker? Wanting a better life not just on the surface but inside as well? I would think so too.

I guess its safe to assume the idea of being respected by family is unrealistic. The only person i can count is me and my supportive husband who would like to follow suit. Why is it seen as unusual to deny red meat, enlightenment, meditation through Christ? Why am I always questioned? Why am I always doubted and not supported. Since the beginning of my cognitive years do I remember being supported for much. Needless to say, I'm over it and will have to turn the other way and love them from a distance. Now that's sad.