WOW. First good day....

I like to think when i wake up every morning that life is going to be great, beter than yesterday and far better than the past life. and it is, and it will be, until i'm slammed with the reality of who my friends really are, recent losses and pain.

The beginning of this month, hell, this year has been eventful in many different ways. Splitting my head open, busting up my left leg, then busting it up again, falling down stairs, lol and last but not least, 2 people who meant a lot throughout the travels of my life. the first was carlos

carlos was sudden and shocking. i miss him so much. someone posted a picture and the pain came back. that said, along the last several years, carlos' whereabouts has been a mystery to me naturally. i was no longer working in the office and he was let go at thr and never to be heard form again. or so it seemed. i wish i never knew the reality and who knew very well he was still working within the same walls as before.

on many occasion i had requested a message be taken to him. asked how, where, and if he's ok. i would get no answer or just plain have my requests go into cyber space, telephone vortex or unnoticed. so you could only imagine the pain i had learning he was, indeed, working in the same building with the very same people i call my extended family. at least before this information was relayed to me.

i have much resentment towards said party. he and she have let me down like no other. its like a stab in the heart. i've been told that it can go either way, my fault or their fault. but nonetheless, ultimately my responsibility...how?

i had known in the past that these two people in my life were unreliable and undependable. which, as you can tell, has gotten me nowhere but hurt. the failure to follow through on promises, nurturing the friendship and responding to kindly invitations and a welcoming home. i gave and gave of my heart. i give my friends myself and my happiness. thats what friends are for in our lives. companions to share life's adventures. am i wrong? did i miss the memo prior to birth advising one to be careful with whom i make friends with? or not to let my feelings become part of your friendships, relationships, etc.

it all started so long ago. its almost as though i had been set up atop a whirlpool of perpetual disappointment with life, friends, and family. i don't get it. Kindergarte, 1st grade, 3rd grade, 6th grade and all of junior high. friends who used me like a little doll. i was the stand in, understudy if you will. tammy was the go to girl should kim or anyone else could not make it to disneyland or the park. and when we became horribly impoverished, oh boy did that end up really cute. i never asked for anything, hand outs, free stuff, borrow clothes or pretty things. of course, as young girls we would share make-up and fashion jewelry, fun stuff. i always made it a point to not make it a big issue or seem as though i was "poor." poor indeed. until the day i had to go to school with a giant white patch on the back of my beautiful eastern indian style dress. not to mention the moccasins with the holes on the bottom. not pretty and not fun. but im not here to feel sorry about myself. i'm here to spew the disappointment about the people i called friends.


everyone likes to say they were broke, poor, financial dire straits. no money to buy those expensive pants for the first day of school or those awesome cherokee wedgies i had saved every single penny i made baby sitting. everyone had covergirl make up, love's baby soft perfume and the piece de resistance, chemin de fer jeans. my oh my. i also couldnt wear those because of other reasons mom gave. anyway......you know you're poor when its a big deal to eat ground beef or even hot dogs, not forgetting one of the cheapest things on earth, beans.

my days of being open hearted to people seems to be closing quickly and readily. it seems as though i cannot trust anyone or depend on anyone to be there for me. not one single person. im not even sure about my therapist. lol, laugh you might, its just one of those things. needless to say, i am slowly becoming one of those people with trust issues, again. yep, ive been down this road. and again i wonder if i were set up this way. you know, "she's not really your friend, she's using you." kind of things.

i remember throughout my entire childhood, i was always reminded of 1. i am overweight, which at that time i was prepubescent and added the extra 11 pounds so my hips and boobies could fill in. 2. we're broke and girls don't play in a band. 3. all of my friends were using me, and 4. i needed to baby sit my sister. fun. with this in mind, i wonder if it did set up the disappointment from others? im sure it did. call it self fulfilling prophecy i guess? call it living out my parent's negativity? we pay for the sins of our fathers? who the hell knows.

sometimes i wish i were made of stone. if i were made of stone i would be resilient to this feeling of being let down. i would be able to handle the words that are shared by siblings that are completely unfair for me to hear. i would get validation from the ground, birds would sit and poop on me, and thats just fine, cause im a rock. i would live in the sun, rain and snow. exude no emissions other than your every day rock.

really, is it so wrong for me to want a friend to depend on? someone i can call and just freak out on the phone or meet for lunch for unconditional conversation? is that possible? is it possible to have friends who actually have my best interest in mind with regards to said tragedies and good times. i know and know that i know that god is the only one i can ultimately depend and trust. he is my way, the truth and the light. and through him all things are possible as well as his being in control of this path i am headed down. its an unknown realm, this path. i'm not sure i like it much anymore as of today. hmmm.

perhaps in time god will have the friend i need, other than my husband. someone outside of my family and someone who just wants to talk politics, racial issues, the condition of my vegetables. something simple like that. someone who will tell me that my dear friend carlos was working right next to them, in the same building, up until the days before he died. that would be wonderful.

i know you cant bring back what is gone, however, i can't go back to say goodbye.