Book of Love

The book of love is long and boring
No one can lift the damn thing
Its full of charts and facts and figures
And instructions for dancing...

No truer words have been written in a love song. If they're called love songs anymore. I'm a sap for them, regardless. And no sooner than I hear them, I feel heartbroken regardless as well.

There's something going on in this life of mine. Am I to be blessed with days of true happiness or love? Am I really living the life that I was advised of year's ago? Yes to both. I think. So far, it seems as though the weirdo psychic lady was right. Actually, more than one. There were a few who warned me of my life as far as love is concerned. They said to be careful of unrequited love. I thought the first one was nuts. Then the second and the third. Not seeking info, info was revealed to me. I thought they were full of shit in a can.

thought: what a baby, can't shit so they cry. good god.

The first time I heard Peter Gabriel sing The Book of Love, I wept. I still do. Its far too romantic and completely true. I remember those feelings. I remember thinking that the world was made of beautiful brilliant sunlight and joy....and here I sit. Trying to relearn to love my husband dearly and relearn coping skills with my returning mental illness on a heightened level. Its shitty. I'm feeling self pity and I really don't care about that anymore. So worried about seemingly ok with getting better and not feeling sorry for myself. Well, tears are here, anxiety attacks, etc. I'm so pissed

That said, this morning I forgot how torturous this song is and was to me. I am on the brink of another meltdown, I can feel it in my bones and from every stitch of the very core of my being. What the hell? Now, I remember how sad The Book of Love made me and was my best friend in my sadness. Time for something else.

Peter Gabriel, man in my head, breathing my feelings to life from within and somehow putting them into a song and so dead on, I'm shocked. I just really liked this song before, but somehowwww, its suitable for the last few days. God I hate feeling so bleak about it. I cannot stop it. Its like a train speeding by that can't stop. No brakes, clutch is busted, no other gear than fast and into a brick wall that prevents further travel. Don't know if I can laugh this away this time around.

My body is a cage
That keeps me from dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key

My body is a cage
That keeps me from dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key

I'm standing on a stage
Of fear and self doubt
It's a hollow play
But they'll clap anyway

My body is a cage
That keeps me from dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key

You're standing next to me
My mind holds the key

I'm living in an age
That calls darkness light
Though my language is dead
Still the shapes fill my head

I'm living in an age
Whose name I don't know
Though the fear keeps me moving
Still my heart beats so slow

My body is a cage
[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/my-body-is-a-cage-lyrics-peter-gabriel.html ]
That keeps me from dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key

You're standing next to me
My mind holds the key
My body is a...

My body is a cage
We take what we're given
Just because you've forgotten
That don't mean you're forgiven

I'm living in an age
That screams my name at night
But when I get to the doorway
There's no one in sight

I'm living in an age
They laugh when I'm dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key

You're standing next to me
My mind holds the key

Set my spirit free
Set my spirit free
Set my body free
Set my body free

Set my spirit free
Set my body free


http://youtu.be/6nZGv8VTBVE


http://youtu.be/8ve4i4iy-ag

Can I

I ask "can I?" due to my difficulties as of late and upon new medication regulation. Its kind of terrifying to think that its bad enough to medicate the voices in my head. Apparently, they were more than "voices".

Where can I start? How can I start?

There is not a soul in the world that can know what I feel, hear, see, however, there are some who have a trace of empathy about this driving subject. Driving? Driving me into a black hole most of the time.

Iknow they say idle hands are the devil's something or other. But yet we are forced to sit idle. Family actvities, sleepovers (with family), out for dinner (WF), amusement parks (WF), shopping ooooh shopping (WF)! Kinda get the hinty hint? Everything I do needs to be either completely solo or with my family. Its the only way I feel 100% safe. I hate it really. I don't go out much, I'm a recluse, I hate food, driving and love shopping especially much. I'm a ball of confusion, here's and there's. You can also read the racing thoughts as I write.

I went back again. Back to old blogs, journal entries, etc. Shit I'm on fire with commas today. lol, and tomorrow. So I'm back, I'm reading this year's entries. I need a special jacket based on all of that shit. I

So here's what I ask myself. When the hell did Schizphrenia become a psychosis of BPII? How come I didnt get the effing memo? How come?!!! Im seeing this psychosis as something we could have kicked in the ass before I literally flipped out. Yes, FLIFUCKINGLIPPEDOUT. One odd moment lead to the next. One nght theres a man standing over me telling me lets go. Another night, men marching. I think I talked about this in prior blogs. I'm positive I did. Why do I give a shit anyway. Lol. I do know, I would love a pile of Kit Kat bars, thats fo sho. I think I'm hungry. Oh yes, hungryyyy.

Not sure hwo I like my new med Seroquel. She seems to be making it even more difficult for weight loss and easy peasy for weight gain. Shit on a stick. A fat one so my fat ass can drop a hot one. Ew. Gross huh! Well, whateveRRRR. I like how that sounds. lol RRRR

I talk to myself a lot. Do I eat the Taco Bell Grande? Do I wait for dinner in 3 hours? Do I have a glass of milk? Do I have a slice of bread? More coffee? Where's the candy.....oh sugar, azugar, mmmmmhmmm. Sugar and men. Nice ring. shhhh

Men:

As of late, the last 11 years, I've been steady with this sweet guy. My husband, hehehe. Been together since we met. Been together for a long frickin time in my world. literally. Comes a time when one looks at our lovelies and have to ask, "Why do you have to make noise when you chew!!!! Why do you scratch your ass in front of me while I'm watching tv???!!! Come on dudes, you know you do it. I'd scratch my ass if I could reach properly. Even "adjust" the adjustable. "Are you present while I am speaking to you???" But if thats all I have to complain about, why complain..ehman i have a thing for that multiple period at the end of my sentences. If given the permission to period punctuate every and all things, i think my notes would look like this.... i... like...ice cream...what a pain in the ass!!! High 5 man. 11 years with a dude. lol

I don't think my sugar plum can quite grasp this illness that has jumped on board for foreversville. I wish he could. I provide reading material coping skills are given, and not one thing is even considered. This isn't just a problem that gets medicated away for a little while in life, but all of the time. 24/7 medicated. I've forgotten who I am. Last summer was a good summer. Maybe fall will be my season this year around.

Those lovely random mood and life altering swings are EPIC. Fail. If I could express, I would give away my shoes to anyone who is willing to take on this delusional and hallucinal, and all of that lusional or al. When youre diagnosed, it feels like an emotional death sentence. Why can't anyone understand?

Finally, an answer from someone with a brain.

Lilly lies next to me, rolled up in a puppy ball, stretchy and yawny. So cute and soft and so fortunate to have a home and the things that trouble humans so. She is my saving grace, as is the other furry pets we have. If it weren't for my animals, husband, anyone with love to receive from myself, I'd be dead in spirit and mind.

I've been battling a lot lately. The ghost stories, can't remember if I posted the touching, pulling, raping, grabbing, mocking and laughing at myself. My experiences have been more than an adventure, if you will. They have been terrifying and sickening. I would think I would be used to it. Apparently, not.

Christmas' silly anomaly, voices calling me here at home and whichever hotel I may be at during travel. Marching spirits around my hotel bed. Hitting, kicking, jumping and sitting on my bed as well. This is fucked. Was fucked.

Long story short, freaky neighbor comes over to check out the phenomena, it gets worse. I end up utterly insane and now on new meds.

Since those few weeks/couple of months, I have been prescribed new medication. First one was shit, this one is ok. A lot insomniac, and minimal vision or voice situations. I have also learned that I need to accept the fact that I AM indeed mentally ill, moreso than I thought.

It isn't uncommon for a family member to have a mental illness or some type of brain altering situation in our live's. Our young, little short live's. Alas, I was last in line and got it good. I'd take your addiction and hallucinations for 50 Alex. Now that would be a good gig. Money for experiences. It got so bad, I couldn't watch reality, fake ghost tv.

During those weeks, I cried constantly, threatened suicide constantly and from time to time actually picked up a knife and wondered if it would hurt that bad, it did. Didn't break the skin, but just the pressure was fucking painful. Needless to say, I am a chicken shit suicidal brainiac. If I use pills, I'll puke and poop myself. If I use a bullet, well, thats just not even an option to even present. None of it is. Thankfully, through Christ I am alive. Indeed. I am so alive. Perhaps too much.

On down the road I go. Thinkin, hey' this mental illness stuff is easy peasy. I take my meds, I sleep and eat well, so hows that, time to get a job. BAM! The aforementioned occured and here I am feeling thrown back at square one. "Hi there, I'm Tammy the lose it too easily girlie girl. Watch out, I cry incredibly easily and I am certifiably insane. Not insane, just leveling out almost patty duke bipolar disorder." Some how, bad antibiotics and an allergy to them brought this shit out big and strong. sigh

I'm just gonna ramble, as if i already haven't, my entire life in fact.

i finally got the balls to be pissed off with my therapist. "what in the fuck am i working on? am i just depressive disorder? personality disorder? bipolar? unipolar? schizophrenic? what the fuck am i dealing with? and don't kiss my ass with candy ass answers. what the hell is it?" i learned and i wept. and wept some more. its not just some anti-depressant treatment, it will be life long. it will be a challenge to forever take on and battle with some literal blood, sweat, tons of tears and a really caustic sense of humor. im nuts so sue me. ;)

i had begun journaling my "spiritual" experiences and took the time to take a look back at them, just 2 months later. i scare the shit out of me in this thing. documentation of what and who was seen or said. what happened to my physically and mentally. where the evil comes from and then a sigh of relief because of artificial meds.

problems? whose got problems? i know i dont. i'm perfectly me i guess. i like to think. god doesnt make mistakes, but we do procreate and from time to time someone gets the curse of lillith or just the curse of mi familia. some say we pay for the sins of the father. bullshit. i think i'm paying for the sins of the generations. lol.

we all have dysfunction, even a fancy spelling for it, whatever.

my biggest problem and polarization of emotion is the contempt i feel for mankind and gummi bears. cant forget marshmallows. i've bumped up the weight a bit during my depressive state and now find it necessary to punish myself with gummi bears galore. i can eat a truck load in a day.

this anger i harbor for human beings is intense. it angers me to a degree i had no clue i could hit. complete and total contempt. hatred. whats the going rate on diamonds these days?

commercials, news, earthquakes, floods, death and stench of hatred are afloat these days. i hope i'm not amongst that. hatred.

What in the hell is going on here?!

Exactly, what in the hell IS going on?

As in former blog's of great historical insanity the spews from my gray matter, I am once again, increasingly slipping into the manic depressive coma. I have worked so hard to avoid this mania, however, my neurotransmitters, synapse, adrenal, endochrine, hormonally challeged brains sees different. I hate when my blogs sound like such downers. That said, it is my life. I have an intense love/hate relationship with. Fact for fact. If the earth exploded today, I wouldn't mind a bit. There are too many that need to leave the planet and are increasing by the moment.

God knows I do my best on a daily, sometimes I fail, sometimes I'm awesome spiritual lady. In they last few year's I have what feels like having become closer to God and yet feel more abandoned by the people in my life. Sure I have friends. But what do they consist of? Life is life? Life is busy and its ok to ignore someone who loves you greatly. As I say the same for myself and my relationship to God.

I kept a handwritten journal for a few weeks. It just didn't seem to workout. it scared the shit out of me as i was going through some serious "spiritual" experiences with my sensitivity to the supernatural. i hate that word. its so, so, lame. regardless, it was hellish.

short lil bio of neighbor, chris.
our new neighbor chris and his twin phillip are what they like to call "seekers of paranormal events." they don't believe in christ, alla, a lil bit o buddha but claim to be more on the native am side of religion. anyway, he has a huge energy. we had a situation at my home and we invited him in....MISTAKE. i have noticed he avoided me like a disease. only speaking with john. and i figured out why. i freaked him out.

OOOKKAAAY. Yepper, prehaps this is grandios thinking, but he is deeply involved with the spirit world and I am forced, by nature involved. I repeat, forced. Its one of those wonderfully innate, inherent, thank you Granny for being a mexican witch doctor and doing all that weird stuff on me. Although, really interesting stuff.

K, so. an anomaly shows up in my window for a few weeks. He comes over to see it, BAM! Let the games begin. Through research and practice he has become pretty hip to the realm of whatever you wanna call it. me, i know nada. I do know, we must show respect to the dead and other things that amy come to follow, even if its evil. if you mock it, it will definitely manifest itself around and within.

that said, he comes in, checks it out, trips out and could hardly look me in the eyes. its been like this for about 2 yrs. turns out a couple of weeks later, he took a deep breath and told john, "wow, you're wife is really intuitive and intelligent in the spiritual regard." I was shocked he even thought of it. as of then, nightmares came. haunting me in my dreams. demons that attempt to violate my mind body and spirit. call me crazy. i know i'm nuts. and thats the best part.

some nights i'd wake with someone standing over me and telling me they were going to take me with them. some would march around my bed and call my name. some, always in a grayish beige would pull me by my feet to an area that has been specified as a bad place in my dreams and in life. i am feeling and sensing many evil energies.

how do i know theyre evil? cause they scare the hell out of me and i'm not an easily spooked person. i've had interaction with many who need to speak. but never feared, this time, fear was incredibly difficult to deal with. i think i need some pie. is it legal to eat pie before noon?

on a go forward, i have had far too many dreams, meds for an illness that increased this and bottomed out due to this situation. thus, my reason for blogging my little heart out today.

i have been feeling kind of off, if you will. off in my spirit and being. rejection, loss, abandonement and lonelier than ever. i have my family, i have my projects and hobbies, but something is just amiss. apparently, i am in what they call a state of manic depression. i have no idea how that comes to be, i just know the tears want to come constantly.

ive aired my human error with my relationship. i have spoken about suicide, etc. and each and every fucking time this comes along its getting worse, not better.

i had mellowed on my new dosage of meds about last summer. i was fine, i was actually happy and living and traveling and just awesome living. suddenly, i hit a wall. fucked up wall. its not a wall of bricks or mud. it feels like the end of my mental health wall. like my brain is tired of working and speaking. its tired of being tired and achy. crying, being and getting sick, symptomatically sick in fact. and come to find out, my anger is out of control as well. not in a horrible case scenario, but in a tammy doesn't like to be nice kind of way. with the exception of my nephew of course. adults suck. and i am one. hmp

i'm sure there will be more bullshit to write. i hate being so negative! i might go into some details about my dreams, voices, and experiences. its a lifetime of occurances. it is exhausting my friends. life draining. of course, my therapist and psychiatrist feel i need chemicals to quell them. ugh