Lilly lies next to me, rolled up in a puppy ball, stretchy and yawny. So cute and soft and so fortunate to have a home and the things that trouble humans so. She is my saving grace, as is the other furry pets we have. If it weren't for my animals, husband, anyone with love to receive from myself, I'd be dead in spirit and mind.
I've been battling a lot lately. The ghost stories, can't remember if I posted the touching, pulling, raping, grabbing, mocking and laughing at myself. My experiences have been more than an adventure, if you will. They have been terrifying and sickening. I would think I would be used to it. Apparently, not.
Christmas' silly anomaly, voices calling me here at home and whichever hotel I may be at during travel. Marching spirits around my hotel bed. Hitting, kicking, jumping and sitting on my bed as well. This is fucked. Was fucked.
Long story short, freaky neighbor comes over to check out the phenomena, it gets worse. I end up utterly insane and now on new meds.
Since those few weeks/couple of months, I have been prescribed new medication. First one was shit, this one is ok. A lot insomniac, and minimal vision or voice situations. I have also learned that I need to accept the fact that I AM indeed mentally ill, moreso than I thought.
It isn't uncommon for a family member to have a mental illness or some type of brain altering situation in our live's. Our young, little short live's. Alas, I was last in line and got it good. I'd take your addiction and hallucinations for 50 Alex. Now that would be a good gig. Money for experiences. It got so bad, I couldn't watch reality, fake ghost tv.
During those weeks, I cried constantly, threatened suicide constantly and from time to time actually picked up a knife and wondered if it would hurt that bad, it did. Didn't break the skin, but just the pressure was fucking painful. Needless to say, I am a chicken shit suicidal brainiac. If I use pills, I'll puke and poop myself. If I use a bullet, well, thats just not even an option to even present. None of it is. Thankfully, through Christ I am alive. Indeed. I am so alive. Perhaps too much.
On down the road I go. Thinkin, hey' this mental illness stuff is easy peasy. I take my meds, I sleep and eat well, so hows that, time to get a job. BAM! The aforementioned occured and here I am feeling thrown back at square one. "Hi there, I'm Tammy the lose it too easily girlie girl. Watch out, I cry incredibly easily and I am certifiably insane. Not insane, just leveling out almost patty duke bipolar disorder." Some how, bad antibiotics and an allergy to them brought this shit out big and strong. sigh
I'm just gonna ramble, as if i already haven't, my entire life in fact.
i finally got the balls to be pissed off with my therapist. "what in the fuck am i working on? am i just depressive disorder? personality disorder? bipolar? unipolar? schizophrenic? what the fuck am i dealing with? and don't kiss my ass with candy ass answers. what the hell is it?" i learned and i wept. and wept some more. its not just some anti-depressant treatment, it will be life long. it will be a challenge to forever take on and battle with some literal blood, sweat, tons of tears and a really caustic sense of humor. im nuts so sue me. ;)
i had begun journaling my "spiritual" experiences and took the time to take a look back at them, just 2 months later. i scare the shit out of me in this thing. documentation of what and who was seen or said. what happened to my physically and mentally. where the evil comes from and then a sigh of relief because of artificial meds.
problems? whose got problems? i know i dont. i'm perfectly me i guess. i like to think. god doesnt make mistakes, but we do procreate and from time to time someone gets the curse of lillith or just the curse of mi familia. some say we pay for the sins of the father. bullshit. i think i'm paying for the sins of the generations. lol.
we all have dysfunction, even a fancy spelling for it, whatever.
my biggest problem and polarization of emotion is the contempt i feel for mankind and gummi bears. cant forget marshmallows. i've bumped up the weight a bit during my depressive state and now find it necessary to punish myself with gummi bears galore. i can eat a truck load in a day.
this anger i harbor for human beings is intense. it angers me to a degree i had no clue i could hit. complete and total contempt. hatred. whats the going rate on diamonds these days?
commercials, news, earthquakes, floods, death and stench of hatred are afloat these days. i hope i'm not amongst that. hatred.
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