Can I

I ask "can I?" due to my difficulties as of late and upon new medication regulation. Its kind of terrifying to think that its bad enough to medicate the voices in my head. Apparently, they were more than "voices".

Where can I start? How can I start?

There is not a soul in the world that can know what I feel, hear, see, however, there are some who have a trace of empathy about this driving subject. Driving? Driving me into a black hole most of the time.

Iknow they say idle hands are the devil's something or other. But yet we are forced to sit idle. Family actvities, sleepovers (with family), out for dinner (WF), amusement parks (WF), shopping ooooh shopping (WF)! Kinda get the hinty hint? Everything I do needs to be either completely solo or with my family. Its the only way I feel 100% safe. I hate it really. I don't go out much, I'm a recluse, I hate food, driving and love shopping especially much. I'm a ball of confusion, here's and there's. You can also read the racing thoughts as I write.

I went back again. Back to old blogs, journal entries, etc. Shit I'm on fire with commas today. lol, and tomorrow. So I'm back, I'm reading this year's entries. I need a special jacket based on all of that shit. I

So here's what I ask myself. When the hell did Schizphrenia become a psychosis of BPII? How come I didnt get the effing memo? How come?!!! Im seeing this psychosis as something we could have kicked in the ass before I literally flipped out. Yes, FLIFUCKINGLIPPEDOUT. One odd moment lead to the next. One nght theres a man standing over me telling me lets go. Another night, men marching. I think I talked about this in prior blogs. I'm positive I did. Why do I give a shit anyway. Lol. I do know, I would love a pile of Kit Kat bars, thats fo sho. I think I'm hungry. Oh yes, hungryyyy.

Not sure hwo I like my new med Seroquel. She seems to be making it even more difficult for weight loss and easy peasy for weight gain. Shit on a stick. A fat one so my fat ass can drop a hot one. Ew. Gross huh! Well, whateveRRRR. I like how that sounds. lol RRRR

I talk to myself a lot. Do I eat the Taco Bell Grande? Do I wait for dinner in 3 hours? Do I have a glass of milk? Do I have a slice of bread? More coffee? Where's the candy.....oh sugar, azugar, mmmmmhmmm. Sugar and men. Nice ring. shhhh

Men:

As of late, the last 11 years, I've been steady with this sweet guy. My husband, hehehe. Been together since we met. Been together for a long frickin time in my world. literally. Comes a time when one looks at our lovelies and have to ask, "Why do you have to make noise when you chew!!!! Why do you scratch your ass in front of me while I'm watching tv???!!! Come on dudes, you know you do it. I'd scratch my ass if I could reach properly. Even "adjust" the adjustable. "Are you present while I am speaking to you???" But if thats all I have to complain about, why complain..ehman i have a thing for that multiple period at the end of my sentences. If given the permission to period punctuate every and all things, i think my notes would look like this.... i... like...ice cream...what a pain in the ass!!! High 5 man. 11 years with a dude. lol

I don't think my sugar plum can quite grasp this illness that has jumped on board for foreversville. I wish he could. I provide reading material coping skills are given, and not one thing is even considered. This isn't just a problem that gets medicated away for a little while in life, but all of the time. 24/7 medicated. I've forgotten who I am. Last summer was a good summer. Maybe fall will be my season this year around.

Those lovely random mood and life altering swings are EPIC. Fail. If I could express, I would give away my shoes to anyone who is willing to take on this delusional and hallucinal, and all of that lusional or al. When youre diagnosed, it feels like an emotional death sentence. Why can't anyone understand?