Taking the grrrrrr out of angerrrrr.

As of late, I have been recognizing that I do in fact, have an issue with anger. Surprise huh!?

About 2 years ago, it was highly recommended I seek help with this issue called anger and from time to time, rage. I had been aware that I can slip off into a rage, but only with regards to my safety. i.e. My ex-fiance' attacked me and I had discovered that I had this level of strength to out run, out push, out chase, and pretty much kick a door in kind of "skill" we'll call it. At the time, it was a bitter sweet moment. I mean the fact that I could chase a 6'3" man, much bigger and heavier than I, into a closet while wearing just his whitey tighties and socks. Oh yes, he put his hands on me and he learned not to touch another woman again. NO. I didn't hit him or beat him. I merely chased him at lightening speed into our bedroom sized closet as he slammed the door shut and held it with his pathetic boy body. And all I did was kicked the door in and it just happened to throw him across the closet into a dresser and he kinda got hurt. I swear it was self defense!

As I move along to the real reason for my bliggidy blog and its fabulous subject, anger, the grrr and taking it out of the ang. I just made my self smile sloppily.

To reiterate, as I see I may gave confused the masses, I will mention again that about 2 years ago, anger management was highly recommended to myself by a facilitator in my group therapy for other amazing things that occur in the brain. I laughed heartily wondering, "why in the hell would I need lame ass anger management?!" And so, being the curious little woman that I am, I was forced to ask. Apparently, I asked in the same manner. Who knew!??!?! The facilitator began to respond and I guess I happened to make or respond with sort of expression which may have been interpreted as anger, I guess...lol.

"Tammy, how are you doing today?" She asked. I had to step back a sec and think about it. And I really was angry. Who wouldn't be angry? I most certainly know that when the rug basically slips out from under you, things tend to get a little bit crazy in the anger department. Life had been changing dramatically. Naturally, I responded to her that I was doing ok, pissed off, resentful, tearful, depressed, angry, and "what the hell else do you expect, my life is for shit right now. How many times do I need to discuss the same thing over and over and over again?" I am assuming I didn't come across as gently as I thought.

Tammy, we've been doing some discussing and looking over your file and feel it would be most beneficial for you to attend an anger management group. Do you have any thoughts?" BAH! Did I have any thoughts? Of course I did and of course I shared. It was certainly made apparent that I had said issues and proven so during past groups. I think thats a sack o' crap, at least I did. I never went and let her know I thought they were wrong.

Well, here I am...And I am struggling with the demons of anger in my head. These demons did a great job at making sure I was clouded in my thinking and in great denial. I thought I was happy and go lucky Tam all this time. Suddenly, I found myself in a fit of anger and tantrums for the last 35 years we'll say. Now THAT was a wake up call. Wake up call being that I notice my husband stuttering and cowering from conversation. I had become exactly what was pointed out to me.

Recently, I have been at battle with all of this mental rot, mold and mildew called anger. Old tapes were drown in the back of my mind. Cobb webs on the handles of the file cabinets locked and the key thrown out to the birds. Anger. I met it finally. And now, the battle has begun.

I have always been one to try and see if there is a better way to live. Happier, more confident, function and hope. There was more to life than disappointment, there had to be. I was not born to live in scourage and angst, a torn up stomach and rattled nerves to the point of needing tranquilizers. We all know that sordid story. Whatevers. Ultimately, I realized there is a better way. And I believe I have found it.

The way I have found has been clearly sitting in front of me all of this time. I had read a book in the past that taught meditation by way of the Buddhist teachings. It worked wonders! I was living better, happier, but not at peace. At least to that point where I am beginning to experience. The anger returned only in the form of hatred and rage most of my days. Hair(s) are turning white, skin is getting frown lines and the guts are talking back again. The most embarrassing part about this is when my tummy gets in an upheaval, I get VERY gassy and blow up like a damn m-16 firecracker.. NO LIE. I become a giant ball of methane. Not fun and not good for the marriage. Really who wants to sleep next to the giant farting machine. "She's tiny, but she's mighty, she's the tiny mighty fartin machiiiiiine."

So my reality became anger, my mornings became dark and regretful for being awake. And finally, it took John telling me he is afraid to approach or talk to me a lot of the time. I was floored. Literally floored. I had done the ultimate damage. I did grow into someone he did not marry. I was the definition of anger. I hated everything and everyone around me. This is all piled on top of my cyclical bipolariffic episodes. Thats when I had the moment of truth. I did need help with my anger and my depression would improve.

I found an awesome book that has helped switch my thinking around. I am in beginning stages of practicing transforming my anger into peace and compassion. I am learning to let things go that don't belong to me emotionally. In the meantime, I have had to become somewhat disconnected from the familial issues and complaining about mind numbing gossip and negativity. I am truly learning to apply this philosophy to my life. Only on page 50, but its a definite life's time work in progress and so far, so happy. The book is called Anger. I can't seem to remember the name of the author and I am just too damn lazy to go get it. I think his name is Thich Tahn Nahn? Yikes. I forgot to mention, this in conjunction with another book called Highly Sensitive Person. Of which, I am. I love knowing this and not feeling like I'm coocoo anymore.

This transformation is amazing. The mindful breathing, thinking, eating and walking. Every aspect of my life is done with deliberate movement and thought. Mindful loving and smiling. Enjoying every moment I have to smile, taste, smell and live. Anger comes in aaaaand I want to scream and remind myself of that annoying "hug and embrace your anger and it will eventually transform into love." How very, very, love, peace and drugs. Grass, pot, maryjane, marijuana and lsd. LOL! The separation between my feelings, where mine start and where their's ends is very distinct. At least not.

These two books are changing my outlook, I'm sure I'm repeating myself. I do that a lot. :) I am accepting that I take on too many feelings of other's and do not allow myself to have my own. That's where the anger starts in. Forgetting where I AM and that I AM not their anger or sadness. I am not their joy or spazm. I am my own feelings and there is no need for me to become whatever the hell it is. Sounds brash I know, but when it all comes down to the bottom of the barrel, a lot of my anger is fed by my family. My Mom and my Sister. Sadly they are incredibly angry and bitter. They have their reasons for sure, but there is no need for me to become that. I was born to be loving and joyful. And its odd how I ended up here.

One more short little word about this anger and owning and giving and mindful business.

My greatest challenge is with my Mother and Sister, due to reasons written above. I feel horrible thinking of ways to avoid that energy and ways to accept and deflect. I haven't gotten there yet, but hopefully soon. These strong women in my life are not of a great forgiving nature and are probably as angry as I was and still am I'm sure. I was there for an overnight stay with them last night. The energy was awesomely thick and I focused on being with my little Ian. It was hard. He is an absolute blast. The unfortunate part is one of them trying to tell me something that is a thorn in their side and see their blood start to boil. Hard stuff.

I consume myself with Ian's positive nature. Challenge, challenge, challllleeeeenge. Ugh, I was ready to scream at them to shut up. I breath, I breath, hum, sing with Ian..."HOW ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH CAN I KEEP FROM FEELING THEIR ANGER?" I'm dying here. I had no way of knowing how to deflect this except to withdraw and hide in play time. I stayed silent, at ease (seemingly), and pretend to be listening. I didn't mention I have been somewhat ridiculed for being one to search for the truth or inner peace in "one of Tammy's books." Yeah, my Mom just that and rolled her eyes thinking I didn't see her until I told her I did and asked why she wouldn't want to see me at peace. Conversation ended. These thoughts are ruminating, resinating and the words said float around my head with sadness for Mom. It must be how they saw me when I was an asshole or fuzzed up in my "issues", if you will.

All in all, Im hoping I learn the skills to confront in a kind way. To make for certain my feelings about my changing my way of life and practice of love, kindness and forgiveness. Dahli Lama said, "To practice Christianity, is to practice; love, kindness, and forgiveness. Without this, it is pointless." I couldn't agree more.