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Ahhh, yessss. New puppy, new ideas, new fresh season and a running chance to have finally found my peace and quiet amongst the anger that dwells with in the misshapen roundedness of my skull.

Where should I start. Certainly not in a place I had started or ended before, but in a place of who knows what. Sometimes I feel my head as a giant riddle waiting to be figured out.

A few weeks ago I was in such a rut, anger, sadness, depression, ultimate negativity. Far more than I had had in months. Or at least weeks before that. Regardless, it seems as though a bump on the head from falling in a drunken sleeping med state rendering me to have the first stitches of my entire life; may have changed my perspective.

It was about 1am, wake up to go to the poddy. I'm thinkin it's just like every other night and I just happened to dose myself out with some Xanax to calm the racing thoughts, jitters, and body tremors. These "jitters are the most uncomfortable sensations of electricity that occurr once I try to relax. Anyway, I wake up and step out of bed and find myself falling fast and hard into my bedside table. So I fell. What else is new? Right? Everyone knows I am a bit klumsy from time to time and I fall. As I did the week before. See, my bed is really high, up to my breasts. SO I use a child's two step stair to plant my happy sleep ass on.

The fall itself felt entirely slow motion, literally like I was drunk, floating down fast and hard, yet sloooow moooooo. There was quite a loud thund (I must add that I was as nekked as the day I was born). I had no idea how mexican I was til I hit the table. I cried out with a nice little "AYYY!" Hubby jumps up within seconds, I feel liquid falling in my hands and wonder how in the hell I got a cup of water to spill on my head??? It was my blood, long story that is already long short. I gashed open my head, tiny but severe, and ended up in urgent care, seeing my skull and getting 5 stitches. THATS JUST GROSS. Thread in my skin. Tied in a knot. Gross!!! Oh, the awesome part was that I DID see my skull. Its kinda like the color of a pearl, only gooey stuff lining it.

The situation as a whole was quite comical in that I have never fallen out of bed, naked, cried out "AY!" like the good little Mehicana I am, and screamed I was bleeding. Call it morbid sense of humor. Anyway, the reason for telling this sorded story of when I fall I do it right kinda thing, is that I believe it released something that dwelled within these rounded walls we call my brain.

Its really odd to be honest. I wake up one day, its the worst day of my life. I fall, get stitched up, sleep a couple of hours, life is pretty damn good. It wasn't one of those "thank God I didn't die" epiphanys. It was an "Omg I woke up and I'm happy" moments. Its as if the jarring of my gray matter did something I could never do on my own.

Since the day I fell, approximately a month ago, I have had this sensation of peace and quiet in my head. Literally. Yeah, I've had a bipolar cycle, however, not so bad. I mean, I really enjoy life. I know I sound surprised right? Right! I am surprised.

I'm wondering if its possible that a screw was loose and it really took a little shaking up to put it back in place. And I can't say that I have had this much mental clarity in the last few years. With the exception of the healthiest I have ever been due to exersize and dietary changes. And I am doing some nutritional changes striving to become me again. But really? Who woulda thought?

Is it really possible? Is it possible that the frontal lob may have been set back into place, making my head come back around to where it was as birth? I'm being so serious. I know I've heard stories about this stuff. Lol, I love that last sentence.

This bump, fall of death, Evil Kinievel stunt, Devil may care, let's see how hard and how wide I can open my head feat seems to have done just that. Awakened my senses and desire to read, create and find that me somewhere. I am happy to say that I am happy. I can babble on forever.

For instance, I usually get really frustrated with my Mom, who doesn't, about her whatever she does that bothers me. This week she didnt. I find myself breathing in and letting things go. I am mindful and thinking within and being a better listener than talker. I am truly making an effort to be mindful of other's feelings. Its as if I woke up and God has given me wider eyes to search and see. To really be successfully me. Authentically me. Not what others expect, but what I know of myself to be true. To be as I am. I'm good with it. I am in shock. ON THA REAL YO!

As hard as it is to accept that things will fall in front of me on my path to knowing myself more authentically, I will have to face it. I am working hard, so hard at not being afraid. The biggest thing that has kept me from me. Fear. What if something hurts or someone gets mad at me. Oh hell, everyone does it I'm sure. I just wonder if its on such a heightened level?

I am also reading a book that is helping me to accept my highly sensitive nature. A book that is guiding me in the way of acceptance and how to use it for the great good, which or whatever it may be for myself. Perhaps I have been creating this moment of clarity in my head for the last however many years and am just now being shown my progress.

I also am finding my compassion for humanity in a much more profound way. In a truest way I cannot explain. I just cannot, for the life of me, explain. I don't have the money to always donate, but I have my voice and my spirit. Come to think of it, that is one of those things that have given me some freedom too.

I just know life is really good today. And life is a moment at a time. Nothing can be predicted, nothing can be foretold or controlled.