Can't get out tha funk.

Rainy, rainy days. I love rainy days, they bring new fresh air, the flowers fall in love with the sun again and things just seem anew. I love the rain. I love many things about the rain and what it does and means for most of us. Only this year it seems just wet. No biggie and I think I figured out why.

For about two years after John and I got married, we decided to try to have a child for about a year. Nothing happened but late cycles, anticipation and fear, but mostly disappointment and depression.

I guess you could say I misled myself into believing I didn't want children when we wed in 2002. Maybe I did. And now I am regretting some of my decisions. Marriage, family, happiness and no babies.

I honestly could not stand the thought of the responsibility of having a little human being. The stomach with a person inside floating around in fluid. The bubble in the belly, pain, aches and any difficulties that could have happened to a woman of 38. Wow. Anmios. That long needle stuck in your belly button that checks the fluids and health of the baby. All of this happens after 35. And yet, I was throwing it back and forth in my head.

Right around my 38th birthday, which was our 2 yr anni. I felt the need,hunger, desire, and need to make a child in my belly. Meanwhile, John was not on the same page, finding out he never really was. I ached for a child in my belly. I ached for feeling feet, hands, hiccups, shoving and pushing around in my belly. A living being inside of me growing. I didn't even mind the thought of the possibility of those wonderful bathroom issues and vomitting. I really, really hit me hard.

I cried, I didn't care, I cried and tried to figure out what and how to approach John with the new attitude about babies and finally realized the feelings of desiring a child since I'm 18, was still there. As it still is at 43.

We went to yummy dinner at our favorite hole in the wall italian place in Eagle Rock. Oh it was a fav. I miss it often. I'm still rummaging through my brain about what and how to tell my new husband of two years, my new husband who is going to be told he has to inpregnate me or I will be lost forever in a pool of regret. "Will he still love me? Will he leave me? Will he agree or call me nuts?" Oh those thoughts. I was so worried he would laugh and run. He didn't

We ordered, and chatted away with our glasses of bitter house chianti. Feeling giddy about going home and snuggling together. You know, new marriage stuff. NOT that I'm cynical about it, its just something true. I looked at him across the table and just blurted it out. "I want to have a baby and I need to know if you want to have one with me. If not, you can just get me pregnant and I will be on my way." He had the look of seeing a ghost and said I was nuts and wants me to be happy and ok, lets try. Needless to say, nothing came of it and I could not get pregnant. And as much as I hate to say it, if both don't want something it wont happen.

Five years later, we are childless and have lots of pets. Which is great cause I can come and go as I please, do whatever the hell I want right? Life is so carefree. All there is is poop duty, potty training and cuddling animals. "Have to go potty? Go outside now, make poopie doop...good girl, you made poop outside. What a good dog." Oh its exciting indeed. I love them and am blessed with them, but what does is serve to the spirit of desiring parenthood?

Many of my friends tell me to embrace the fact that I have none. Or I should be happy with what I have. "You have a beautiful home, awesome husband and all of those cute animals. I'd take poop pick up over diapers and crying." Ha! I don't think many people realize that a lot of us who regret not having a child and having animals instead hear those statements and sigh with questions. Are these animals truly feeding my maternal instincts? Do I get to see them off to their first day of school? Do I have the blessing of kissing them goodnight after a nice warm bath and homework? Did I, me, myself, I, I, I, get to bond with a little human being from my body and provide them life through nurturing them in my belly? I mean, God gave me a uterus to possibly utilize as a cozy place to carry a child for 9 months, right? And finally, my breasts. My breasts are given as a means to feed said child should I have one. This female body that is designed to carry life and give part of itself to love and care for. The annoying misconception of breasts being a part of the female body to objectify. Thats not such a bad thing, but the reality of what my body, in my opinion is made for.

On to my biggest regret which is becoming childless. I wake in the morning sometimes with a tear in my eye that I am not hearing someone call for me for love and morning kisses. A little guy or girl asking for help putting on her socks. Or even watching and experiencing a major blow out about absolutely nothing that makes any sense. Detention, the flu, awards, saying "I love you Mommy". These things that seem mundane to those who have children or one child do not realize the blessings that are good bad and really ugly, are truly blessings. These things are gifts. GIFTS.

What it all boils down to is realizing how and what brings me down and what brings me up. I am regretting not having a baby as I wanted much younger in life, otherwise I would not be in this funk about it. I also feel that I should have taken a different path from time to time with regards to whom I married. And now being 43 and 56 is just not smart to try again. I would not do that to a person. With medications and age against us, its all that much harder to hit the reality wall from time to time.

I have to honestly say, I DO come to a funk everyday when I walk by one of our spare rooms and jack and jill bathroom. Out in the yard with space for club houses and swings. Room enough for baby to sleep in our room once we would bring baby home. Life seems to not have as much meaning as it should. Life seems empty with nothing to really look forward to. And the hardest and darkest part is knowing all of my life will be for not but shopping and running around town. Its as though I am here, just to be here. And on my darkest days battling depression, hurting for no reason at all, I wonder why I'm here.

SO my next step in life is to try to find some piece of mind with regards to children. Perhaps it will never change and I will be alone in the end. I guess that has to be alright. Well, I know it has to be alright. I do have my awesome nephew, but who knows? My husband is 14 years my senior. SO what does that say to me. I'm a drag tonight. A real downer. For this I am sorry to dump such regret and sadness.

Alright kids, I think I've said my piece of the funk for the day and hopefully it will leave with the clouds and the rain.

Its the rainy days. The rainy days also bring clarity and a clean slate for me. Oh rainy days I love thee.