My heart and logic

God only knows how much I strive to be a tough cookie, thick skinned, not such a softie and make attempts at practicing a tad of apathy to my rose colored world. When I say apathy, I mean having enough heart to say stop before I get into situations I can't come away from due to my much open and breakable heart.

I was born, there was a bucket of compassion and anger twisted up with some impulsivity and unrealistic emotional goals and the desire to find whatever it is I am here for. I'm sure everyone is born with that one. We all wonder the why and the what in our lives.

I had asked someone, I do believe it was my therapist. I asked him why is it that I give of my heart so openly with no regard for consequence, all for good reasons. Why is IT so hard for me to turn the other cheek and run like hell without shedding a tear. AND why is it so hard for me period. He responded to me, "Well who the hell died and left you an angel?" BAM! Grounded in a heartbeat, for the meantime.

My heart feels shattered, completely, wholly and utterly broken and ready to fizzle out after this summer and the last couple of weeks. Not due to mental health issues, just issues in general. Normal life stuff. Then a kind hearted person (friend)posted a plea to rescue some pups in danger of being put down at the shelter, I looked, I balled, and here I am still crying. I can't do it all. I know.

The shelter. I can't get it out of my head. I get chills, cry, chills, stomach cramps, anxiety attacks, etc. I can only think of how cold it is in there. Sad puppy faces, sad puppy eyes. One has a paw missing cause she was used as a bait dog. A bait dog? Really? Seriously? What horrible humans. I can't remove the face of these four wonderfully lovely dogs. Still babies, no chance at happiness and yet one looks like she's smiling. My thoughts are so running away with me and my heart is again a mess. I can't, absolutely cannot! figure out a way to become not so soft to this.

I can't believe some people do call them "just dogs" or "just animals". Animals. How on God's green earth can anyone minimize any life for to just "just"? HOW???? How is it that someone look into the eyes of a pooch and not see life and vibrance. Joy and curiosity for life and love? An animal that will never love themselves more than you. Selfless and full of kisses.

(I had once walked into an animal shelter in Pasadena and hyperventilated from the pain that struck my heart. Literally. If these people could see the pain these animals are in, the loneliness. One I would definitely survive, maybe more would want to save one.)

Animals, our cohabitants on this earth. Whom I believe were put here to bring us much needed companionship, unconditional friendship and love, as well as a test of our patience and humanity. To test our abilities to have compassion, give love unconditionally, snuggle, kisses and share our lives with. I'm getting all spiritual on you alls. ;)

Really, think about it. How or why else would we be given each other and our fellow living creatures? Yeah, we have domesticated them down to an animal we can own, but can only borrow from time and God. I strongly believe they have been put here, as we all are, to love and cherish. Not just as humans, but as spiritual beings as well. Our lives and existence is merely brought to this conclusion in my opinion. I was born to live and love and help as much as I can. I am not perfect at all. But I try, I hope?

God help me seeing strays and help the animals commercials which I cannot watch. If I had my way, I'd have a ranch of strays, much like my Tata did. Perhaps I have mentioned before about his carrying around a 50# bag of Ol'Roy to feed any stray he may have seen. He would feed them. Give from his pocket, which was not lined too well, there were a lot of holes in them. He gave from his heart he was blessed with. I'll just say it, he was pretty piss poor and still feeding the animals. Key element GIVE from what he didn't have. He was a wonderful human being. I really think he planted this seed into my heart while I wasn't looking. hehee.

I guess one could say its not a good idea to have too many pets. More logical to walk away. It makes more sense to not help a helpless creature because it will make your housework load that much more due to the furry contents within these four walls. To this I say BAH! People can walk to places for help, speak for themselves (most of the time), go to a food bank. Animals cannot. They cannot speak, eat clean food and drink fresh water.

I can't say I am an animal activist. Perhaps an emotional reactionist to their suffering. I will admit I do not have the cajones to have a rescue, maybe work at one, but to have one is HUGE.

OH the tears still roll down my cheek. I cannot get the thought of it all out of my head. And perhaps, this is who I am supposed to be? I know I was born with this heart, this head, this mind and all of the gobbledy goop that goes with. I suppose its ok, most of the time.