I would like to introduce the wonderfully amazing me! Just a little sarcasm to start the day off right.
As of late, I have been struggling with another bought of manic depression. Don't ask me why or how. But apparently I have been diagnosed with Bipolar II disorder due to my rapid cycling of depression, manic shopping and the need for something outrageous. Not to mention the in between times when I am a chatter box (not that I was born talking), high energy, the world is my oyster mania. As a result, I have been through many different types of medications and trials to find out what works. And so, what seems like a century later, the Dr. and I found the right mix which was effective for only a year.
Ok, back on track.
As I said before I have been battling the manic depression fearcely this last summer. Nevermind the stress from selling/buying a new home, falling head over heels for someone other than my husband, random weirdness from family, and fighting the 10 year itch. So many other details have lead to this I suppose. Oh, I forgot about having to remove someone from my life I thought was an incredible friend, but turns out, she went bitch on me. So the let down of the harsh reality of said friend hit me hard in the gut and the heart. I still miss her, however, she has proven me right in that she really didn't give a shit to begin with. UGH!
So this depression was completely overwhelming as it is for John who tries to understand, however, will never understand. . I did have suicidal thoughts, the fantasy of being no longer was an incredible sense of relief. I had to ask family members to remove "sharps" from my sight. Not that I would intentionally do it, but when in a state of total confusion and mixing up the med. recipe could lead me to do something unconsciously. Seriously. Needless to say, I spent my summer either sleeping, crying for hours or unintentionally scaring the shit out of John. Eh, no self pity, just pushing this shit out.
Wonderful experiences due to major manic depression.
I don't know if I've ever talked about the gifts given to myself, sister, brother and Mom with regards to spiritual experiences? Probably not since I am new to the bloggonation! Yes, we see and hear spirits, which led me to believe is totally normal. But as of late, these "spirits" speaking to me have been troublesome. If you could imaging hearing a woman laugh loudly in your ear, someone asking to help them in a frighteningly desperate voice, you just may have freaked out a tad too. Seeing people, hearing conversations over what seems to be a radio and persons walking upstairs in the bathroom which is directly over the family. Needless to say I'm kind of spooked at this point.
As a result of my voices that seem very real and a conversation with the good ol' doc (who is awesome btw), we came to the conclusion to remedy this situation, more meds. Not only did we increase one for the depression, but now, I have been prescribed something that I happened to read up on. Upon referring to nih.gov, I have learned that this particular medication is used to treat patients that are schitzophrenic. The shock and fear that ran through my head is unbareable. Is this an illness I have had all of my life? Am I over-reacting? Perhaps. WHo knows, and who kinda doesn't care anymore? Me. Wow, I didn't realize how much I needed to babble about this. So odd how that happens.
Anyway, the point of my blog is that I am really freaked out and have just been spared the diagnosis process. Is this really shitzo effective disorder that I've been secretly handed? Is THIS what has plagued my poor sweet Aunt Deedee who was forcefully administered electroshock therapy back in the good ol 60s & 70s? I knew it was "in the family" , however, I never, ever thought anyone of us would have to face the possiblity of it being oneself. Wow.
As I strain and try to keep on track with this blog, so many things are rushing through my head. I'm positive this is normal and the side effect of being a masterful multi-tasker. Minus the laughing lady help me call. It's so hard to stay on subject, it's almost as if I am a.d.d. A diagnosis that has become a scape goat for those who just cannot concentrate. I know there is a latent a.d.d. in adults. Hmm
Anywho, I'm finding this blogging business is an extremely cathartic means of learning about ourselves. I guess. Doesn't getting to know more about yourself go away? The necessity to try and figure shit out and stare at History channel all day? I'm tired of trying to figure out this b.s. It's been 3 long ass years of mental changes. Why couldn't this have happened ages ago while I was still young and more capable of handling such things? And how on effing earth did I allow so many things to cause such grief in my life? I wonder if I could have avoided this inner hell?
Jeez, I could go on for hours about these issues that are currently being remedied, I hope. Meds and therapy. Meds and therapy, repeat 45 times.
Off the beaten track. An intuitive once told me I had the gift of leading the dead to their final resting place. I was the kind heart waiting to send them over. I just haven't fine tuned into that gift. Oh yes, this was said while reading over the DEVIL tarot card. Comforting. hmm
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