Cycles are a comin.

Please note: I hate my keyboard as I do chicken livers, mean people, and oysters.


The cycles are beginning and I don't know how many more times I can handle it without going completely bonkers.

Today was like any other day, pass out on the couch, wake up insanely early, have my cocoa and chill. Bit today of all days, I woke up in a foul mood of the dark hole. I realize this will happen from time to time with the bipolar situation and you would think I would be used to it by now. But at some point, 3.5 years seems to be more than enough. One day happy, one day total bleep which will last a good two weeks.I will grapple, fight, cry, try to avoid binging and being mean to those I love.

I'm not feeling special or self pity at this point, perhaps the first year or so when I realized I may spend the rest of my life on medication. Ok, I occasionally do feel sorry for myself. Sometimes I wake up and wonder wtf? How on earth did this happen and where did it come from? God only knows and him only. I do know stressful situations can trigger the onset, but this is dicuous. It also seems as though there is no understanding from anyone in my family, including my husband. Dont' get me wrong, he gives me what I need when this part comes. Love and support, but he has no clue as I don't on how to make sense of it, which leaves him pretty much retarded in that aspect.

While waking up, I noticed what a gloomy day it was and though, "wow, even the sky knows I want to die." Not literally of course. Well, hypothetically most of the time. This feeling is inexplicable. I cannot ever express the gloomy cloud, thoughts of death and the constant lump in my throat. All it takes is finding out someone I have no relation or knowledge of dies. If the dog isn't giving me a morning nibble. It's nuts. The biggest trigger is the lack of understanding and support from my family.

Once I was diagnosed with this particular disorder amongst a few others, which I've managed quite well, it was as if I was given a prescription for major depression for the rest of my life. Funny thing is, I know this not to be true. I know there are soooooo many good days in comparison to the bad and I am grateful for that. But these days, days like these. Days I want to run away from it all. Hide in a foreign country where I can live in denial of all of the bad things in the world. Hide from myself and be in even more denial about myself and the state of the chemical and hormonal inbalance in my phisiological make up. Or would that be biochemical? metaphysical? "Let's get physical, physical, I wanna get physicaaaaal!"

I am beginng to learn by information from family that this is not a rare mental illness in the family. Apparently, the Osuna klan has a long history of major depression, anxiety disorders, panic disorders, and bipolar disorder. So, I'm not shocked with this. Not in the least. I am just a little pissed. Super pissed. If I could I would find whomever put the kool-aid in my horchata and pretty much beat the crapola out of them, however, no way of really knowing or tracing it back.

If you will, I would like to go through a month or two of this particular situation. A lot of people believe bipolar is the Patty Duke style. Lol, style I know. A few years back she exposed her disability, which was disabling to her as it was a horrible level of it. She was mean and nasty, tried to hurt people, kill herself, and pretty much become the most destructive person in her own life. SO sad, and I am so happy she has found some solice amonst her storms and brought them to a minimum. Onward my friends. This I do NOT have.

As you know, I am a happy go lucky, denial, don't be mean to people, afraid to have pain kind of gal. And I love everyone I know as I would love myself. Not always the best in conveying, nevertheless, love them dearly. How is it possible when these fleeting thoughts of darkness that come from the depths of Satan's world. The binging behaviour and then the fun part, BINGE SHOPPING! That is the finest hour when that hits, however, destructive because I have created debt I don't need during my unemployment. Granted, I have my husband to lean on but I don't like to think that way. Wow, I could write for hours.

So this manic transitioning, this teeter totter, which I'm used to, is always a surprise when I wake up like this. I am always taken by surprise. You know when you're walking along and you trip on that Goddamn crack in the street you've seen everyday for months? You know its there, you know you might possibly trip on it, and yet you forget where you're walking and bam! On the ground. That is the best I can describe it.

I'm gonna bitch til I can't bitch no mo. NO MO. Needless to say, I am actually relieved that we did not have children. Poor kids would end up completely neurotic and have no clue where Mommy was coming from. Is she going to be happy today? Is she going to take us to Disneyland for the 5th time in 6months on one of her manic shopping episodes? Or is she going to throw down some cheerios and a gallon of milk and leave them with their bowls to fill and munch from. And I'm positive they would wish that one day I would go nuts and make french toast,pancakes, cupcakes, cookies and sweetened cereal for breakfast. Lol.

On another note, I am glad I have found this bloging spot. I can't remember if I listed my real name or what. I do find it a wonderful place to talk it all out. An unconditional spot to let it out and leave it for cyberspace to sort out. Spew the greasy stinky thoughts. And then, ramble on about silly things, which I'm sure will eventually come from my garbled head. :)

Finally a place without someone who tries to solve all of the problems in the world, which is a wonderful gesture, but sometimes detremental. A place to be blown off as I wish I could when its the bad shit.

And so it goes, rapidcycling. I know this will pass and I will see a good day in the future. Could be 10 mins from now. Could be 2weeks from now. I just have to ride it out. Love as much as I can to make it through. Remember I am not in a bubble of much. Remember there are so many people in the world with so many ailments, it's impossible to fathom. Remember to nurture not baby myself. Most importantly, remember how much I am loved. Very difficult to see, but I know I am cared for and will get through, again.


Now if I could just figure out a way to get past the meds and have a nice glass of red wine. mmmmm.