Ready, steady, go - with apprehension

Dear me,

Today you will be starting a new chapter in your life and begin to change your lifestyle of eating as we know it. I know the little voices in your head are telling you you will fail, yet again. "Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've done it before and you're going to have the same results. Major weight loss and 1 year later, you're all chubbed out again. How long will you have to live this life of the 'yo-yo' dieting? How long are you going to torture yourself with the up and down business? Because seriously, you're killing me, literally. Go ahead, blame meds, depression, plain old eating the wrong things and binging on sugar on a continual basis. You're pathetic. Oh yes, pathetic with a capital L. Oops, P." I know it sounds awful. Hey, I needed to get that out of my system. The negative self talk we all know to well as human beings and self-fullfilling prophecies. Uh, huh.
Thus, little voices playing old tapes, videos, files, iTunes, and those giant bank safes." Whichever name you choose to call these little friends that whisper in your ear, "you won't do it this time. And fail. Epic fail. Just don't bother Tam, its a pain in the ass and you're gonna die anyway. Besides, the couch is so much more comfy than walking and eating broccoli. Grab some poppin corn and a donut. There you go. We're back in business. "

You see, these voices are the voices of anti-reason filled with anxiety, depression and fear of another failure in my life. Why failure. Well, in short, my brain malfunctioned in Oct of 2006 and its never been the same. This malfunction left me unable to make sense of anything and unable to work. Thus, my feeling of failure from the get go. Even though I am doped up on anti-psychotics and helps with those nasty little effers. It's just not enough. So one with the sheeeeow!!
----------------------------------------------
I woke up this morning with an ambitious feeling of being successful in this eating style change. I know I can do this, I had before and felt pretty damn hot after my success. Feeling hot, hot, hot! Its unbelievable how awesome I feel when I'm down to a certain size and weight. Its truly amazing how strong I feel within my core. So what happened? Where did my inner strength go?I have no answer, but to sit here and type up some ramblings and goings on in my 4'9" head.

Upon my wakening, I was daydreaming about how strong I felt just3 years ago, and where the hell did the last 3 years go? I know where it went, I just don't know where I will find that strength again. My body and mind were in awesome mode regardless of all of the bundles of poop in my life. I should say former bundles of poop. We're, me and the little voices are on to the new chapter of weight loss.


With great apprehension, I am moving forward to make this permanent change. I will do my best to not listen to the voices, literally voices, in my head. This will be my first attempt since 3 years ago at weight loss and fitness. Fitness being the primary goal. My brother told me "Its not about being skinny or a size 2. Its about being healthy and having longetivity. Being able to walk without pain or a scowl on my face cause it hurts your feet when walk." I have to agree with him and accept that. I've been told since I'm 11 that Iam overweight and that was a blow below the belt. There I am 11 and hitting prepubescence with a flying torch above my head. SCREAMING torch.

As I finally let you go and have ran your brain amock, hoping not.

So the moral of this story is: Lay off the sugar and heavy laden foods filled with saturated fat and refined sugars. Begin life anew. Make positive change in my life and as a result end up in that inner strength mode and walk for miles again. Shake that groove thang in the right direction and wake up with energy. Don't let those good drugs take control and learn to keep that power over your domain.......

Oh! Another thing. Get another puppy, its good for the psyche. Now on to the meeting and getting weighed in. Oy vey. I need a new puppy bad.